


keep reaching out (and i'll keep coming back)

by cerago



Category: Runaways (Comics), Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, Hunger Games AU, featuring gert as katniss, tbh too generally soft to be an hgau as it skates over the revolutionary motivations of the series, update i've been informed that this is not in fact too soft to be an hgau
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-09-18 16:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16998777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cerago/pseuds/cerago
Summary: She’s playing smart,the commentators will say in the rebroadcasts she’s forced to watch on her victory tour.Look at how well she’s using the terrain to hide while she waits for the strongest tributes to take each other out.(or: nico minoru wins the hunger games, but that's only the beginning)





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> this is actually finished, but i broke it up bc it covers a big enough time span that i think it makes more sense that way. gonna be 4 chapters total, so i'll try to update every other day assuming my last-minute copy editing doesn't get too excessive lmao
> 
> title is from light on by maggie rogers

_seventy-one_

 

Nico Minoru wins the 71st Hunger Games.

 _She’s playing smart,_ the commentators will say in the rebroadcasts she’s forced to watch on her victory tour. _Look at how well she’s using the terrain to hide while she waits for the strongest tributes to take each other out._

(Amy had made alliances to try to stay alive, and they’ll mention that too, dissecting how every move Nico made might have been influenced by something Amy did differently until she wants to scream.)

By the time it’s down to the final four, the Gamemakers are pulling out every trick in the book to force them all out into the open. It takes every bit of cunning Nico has to avoid the others until two are down and the third injured, and then–

For the rest of her life, she’s going to remember the way that spear felt in her hand, the vibrations that ran down the metal and into her palm when it sank into that boy’s chest.

At least her win will leave her parents with one living child. They’re leaders in District 3′s booming technology industry, so growing up she had wanted for nothing; at seventeen, she only had six slips of paper in the reaping bowl. When her name had been drawn, she’d heard the sympathetic gasps even through the ringing in her ears, the murmurs that ran through the gathered crowd of _the other Minoru, their poor parents._

Three years ago her sister Amy had only had five slips, and fourteen-year-old Nico had learned the hard way that one entry is all it takes when she watched her being led away by Peacekeepers. Being well-fed didn’t stop her sister from dying on the third day.

But she’s not Amy, no matter how much broadcast time both pre- and post-Games was spent comparing them - because she _won_ , she got out. She’s the one in twenty-four that gets to have a life after the Games. The victory tour and the year that follow blur together, though, and it only feels real - like she’s out of the arena for good - when the next Hunger Games arrives.

====

 

_seventy-two_

 

She has to be a _mentor._

There are five victors from District 3 still alive, but the only other from the last decade - the only one who hasn’t yet completely checked out - is a boy a few years older than her.

Alex Wilder. Victor of the 68th Hunger Games, the one where Amy died. He fought alongside her (against her) in the arena, and then mentored Nico last year when she was a tribute.

Now, he stands next to Nico on the first Reaping Day in six years that she’s been truly safe, and they watch in silence as the names are drawn. The two of them do their best in the following days to simultaneously comfort and begin coaching the new tributes, the next pair of kids whose lives are now over. Jess is eighteen and from a poor family and Nico can tell that she’s already resigned herself to an early death - probably had done so even before she was picked as a tribute - but Simon is only thirteen and he’s terrified _._

Upon their arrival in the Capitol, Nico is so, so, overwhelmed. Because sure, she was physically _there_ for the opulence last year, but her looming imminent death prevented her from really taking it in. This year, between training the tributes, she’s a bit more successful. Even manages to enjoy it all, the lavishly prepared food and the feather-soft bed and the scented soap in a shower that never runs out of hot water - that is, until the tributes are rated, indicating to any potential sponsors how likely they are to do well in the arena.

Jess gets a 9 out of 12, but Simon only gets a 3 and it hits her like a punch in the gut that he’s almost certainly going to die.

Scratch that, they’re _both_ almost certainly going to die.

The day the Games start is torture. Nico watches for as long as she’s expected to, sees Jess and Simon escape into the woods and find shelter like they were told. That night, she watches the faces of the dead tributes from the initial bloodbath - 11 in all - play across the screen.

The second the death count is over, she gets in the elevator, escaping the stifling atmosphere (Alex’s stress, her own failing sense of self-worth) of District 3′s floor. She takes it up to the roof, the sanctuary she discovered last year as a tribute, and sits looking out over the city and trying to drown out her thoughts until she starts to shiver.

Mentors aren’t trusted enough to actually be allowed out of the building, but at least no one bothers her up here.

==

On the fourth day, Jess dies. A standoff with the boy from District 4 left them both full of arrows, courtesy of a District 2 ambush. And that night, for the first time, she has company on the roof.

One of the victors from District 4 ( _Karolina Dean,_ she remembers vaguely. Won the 67th Games when she was only 14) steps out of the elevator maybe half an hour after Nico.

Nico has been crying, which is _stupid,_ because she knew it was only a matter of time. Karolina sits down next to her, looking out at the darkening skyline, and hugs her knees to her chest.

“It never really gets easier.”

Nico looks over at her, eyeliner running streakily down her face.

“Nobody from my district has won since me. This is the ninth kid I’ve mentored that’s died.”

With a jolt, Nico realizes Karolina lost a tribute today too, and that the twisting, sinking feeling behind her ribs is probably an all-too-familiar one to the girl next to her.

“I knew she probably wasn’t going to win,” Nico says.

“Yeah, maybe. Doesn’t stop you from hoping, though.”

She’s spared answering by the opening notes to the Capitol anthem issuing through the city. It’s properly dark now, and the faces of the tributes that died today are projected across the sky. Jess is first, and Nico’s eyes burn as she fights back a fresh surge of tears. The image fades, replaced by the boy from District 4 - the one Karolina mentored. Nico doesn’t even know his name.

They’re the only two deaths in the past 24 hours, and the sky returns to inky blackness as the anthem fades out, the last notes echoing around them.

Karolina is still leaning back, face tilted skyward, when Nico glances back over at her.

“Cesar was a good kid,” she says. “He was too kind to have won, though. Kept asking if he could make alliances with underdogs instead of the other Careers from one and two. He shouldn’t have even _been_ there, but his dad was an old victor and pressured him into it.”

“All your tributes are volunteers, right?” Nico asks.

Karolina nods. “The strongest kids - physically, strategically, whatever - are separated out from when we’re eight, and get transferred to a school that’s basically just a training program. Whoever’s top of the graduating class every year gets to volunteer. Technically it’s against the rules, but it makes for better entertainment when the tributes are actually enthusiastic about killing each other so no one interferes.”

“You were only fourteen, though.”

“My name came out of the bowl.” Karolina turns to look at Nico for the first time since the anthem played. “But I was in the program, and my mom is the mayor. I think she just wanted to see if I could do it, since me being the youngest victor ever would have added to her reputation. _Did_ add to her reputation. So when I was chosen she– she stopped the girl who was supposed to go that year from volunteering.”

“I’m sorry,” Nico says. She can imagine it, even remembers parts of it from the broadcasts. Fourteen-year-old Karolina trembling next to a muscular eighteen-year-old boy, small and skinny and not even remotely prepared, waiting anxiously for a volunteer that never steps forward. “That sucks.”

“The whole system sucks. But hey, we’re the lucky ones. Made it out the other side, right?”

Nico laughs hollowly. “I don’t feel very lucky.”

==

Karolina is back on the roof the next night, and the one after that, and they talk a bit. Mostly, though, they just sit in silence. Not touching but close enough that Nico can feel Karolina next to her.

She’s surprised to learn she doesn’t mind the incursion into her space; it’s even _comforting,_ knowing there’s someone going through the same thing.

(She supposes she could try talking to Alex, but something about Karolina’s presence is soothing in a way she wasn’t prepared for; can’t quite describe.)

The day Simon dies, Nico steps out of the elevator to find Karolina already on the roof, holding up a bottle of vodka in greeting.

Nico hasn’t been crying, exactly. They’d all known it was coming, one of the stronger tributes had been tracking him for days, but her eyes are glassy and unfocused as she takes a swig from the proffered bottle, slumping down next to Karolina.

“I was rooting for him,” Karolina offers.

“Yeah.” Nico takes another drink before she passes the bottle back. The liquid burns as it slides down her throat, and she grimaces past it. “Me too.”

They drink in silence until half the vodka is gone and Nico’s head is spinning. The alcohol sits warm and heavy in her stomach, numbing down the frustrated scream that’s been building in her lungs all evening.

She shakes her head the next time Karolina offers her the bottle. “How’s your tribute doing?”

It doesn’t seem as taboo to talk about with the liquor in her bloodstream.

“Juliana? Still alive, for now,” Karolina says. “She’ll have to break her alliance soon though, there are only seven left. If she can come out on top of that I think she has a shot.”

“Well, I wish her the best of luck.” Nico grabs for the bottle and raises it in a mocking toast.

“Thanks.” Karolina smiles slightly and bumps Nico’s shoulder.

“Well, it’s not like I can root for my own district anymore, so…”

Karolina’s smile turns sad, her eyes going soft. She doesn’t say anything, but she reaches out and a second later Nico feels Karolina’s hand covering her own. She turns her palm upwards and lets Karolina lace their fingers together.

They stay holding hands until they leave the roof.

==

Juliana doesn’t win.

She makes it all the way to the end, down to the final two, before falling to the ground with a slash across her stomach. The cannon sounds and the girl from District 2 is declared Panem’s next victor.

That last night, Nico steals a few bottles of wine from the dinner table. All the mentors are set to return to their own districts the next morning, and while she’s not sad the Games are over she’s going to miss Karolina.

The girl in question is already on the roof when Nico arrives, the brilliant sunset splashed across the sky tinting her hair red. Nico hands her a bottle and sinks down next to her.

“Thanks,” Karolina murmurs. A tear runs down her face as she takes a long drink.

“I’m really sorry it ended like that,” Nico says. She raises her own bottle to her lips.

Karolina sighs, “It’s okay. Just now I have to go home and endure my mom telling me all about how I’m a failure. District 4 hasn’t had a victor since me, you know.”

“You can’t be a failure if the game is broken,” Nico says.

This time, she’s the one that reaches for Karolina’s hand. They stay on the roof until the wine is gone, Nico drinking a little awkwardly with her left hand to keep Karolina’s wrapped in her right. Karolina’s palm is warm and dry against Nico’s and her thumb draws absent-minded patterns across her knuckles.

Nico sways a little as she stands, legs numb from sitting so long in the cold even while her face is flushed and warm, and Karolina grabs at her elbows for balance. Nico grins loosely at her.

“Thanks.”

“Anytime,” Karolina smiles back, and it’s a beat before she lets go of Nico.

(In that time, Nico could swear Karolina’s eyes dart to her lips, but the moment passes before she can really be sure.)

The elevator stops at Karolina’s floor before Nico’s, and before Karolina gets out she pulls Nico into a tight hug.

“I’m really glad I met you,” she mumbles into Nico’s shoulder.

“Me too,” Nico breathes.

“See you next year, I guess.” Karolina pulls away but pauses with her hands still on Nico’s shoulders, looking conflicted. She glances again at Nico’s mouth.

Before she can say anything else, the doors start to slide shut and she darts out, leaving Nico staring at the closed doors and sort of wishing that Karolina had kissed her.


	2. two

_seventy-three_

 

Nico spends the time between Hunger Games working for Wizard Technology, the company owned and run by her parents. As a victor, she technically never has to work again, but try telling that to Tina Minoru.

_“Just because you get to live in Victor’s Village doesn’t mean you get to waste the rest of your life.”_

Nico doesn’t mind. It keeps her busy, and it’s a welcome distraction; since she got back, she’s been thinking about Karolina more than she would care to admit. She’s pretty sure that before the elevator doors had closed that last night, Karolina had been about to kiss her.

And she’s pretty sure that she would have kissed her back.

Alex works for Wizard too, and they spend a lot of time together. He’s actually an asset to the company, there by his own merit instead of his family. He has a head for electronics the way Nico doesn’t.

(The way Amy did.)

Around New Year’s, Alex asks her out and she readily agrees. After all, it’s fairly common for two victors from the same district to end up together. They make sense.

Besides: her dad is always asking her if she’s seeing anyone. She can’t exactly tell him about the girl from another district she’s known for only a few weeks, no matter how much she can’t stop thinking about her.

At the end of their second date, Alex leans in to kiss her.

She turns away.

“Sorry, it’s just–- there’s always gonna be a part of me that can only see you as the kid that made it out the year Amy died.”

(She doesn’t have to say she’ll always sort of wish he _had_ died, so that Amy could have survived.)

Alex nods, his face tight. They don’t go on any more dates.

==

All too soon it’s Reaping Day again.

Nico takes her place next to Alex on the stage as names are drawn. They’ve built up a pretty solid friendship in the months following their short-lived attempt at a relationship, and he gives her a reassuring smile even though neither of their tributes this year really have a chance; Connie is only fourteen, and Reese is sixteen but he’s scrawny and underfed.

It’s only her second year as a mentor but Nico feels like she’s already falling into a twisted kind of routine. She talks to the tributes on the train, preparing them for training and speculating about the potential new and dangerous features of the kill-or-be-killed arena they’re about to be dropped into. Once they arrive at the Capitol she and Alex give advice on which training stations will maximize their chance of survival, discuss interview strategies, and do their best to line up sponsors for two tributes who don’t look like they're going to put up too much of a fight.

She sees Karolina twice before the Games start - once at the opening ceremony and once during the interviews - and always at a distance. But the second time they make eye contact and Nico’s stomach lurches when Karolina smiles softly at her.

And, almost before she knows it, the week is up and the 73rd Hunger Games begin.

Opening day goes surprisingly well; during the bloodbath Connie kills two tributes and escaped with a bag of supplies, and both District 3 tributes are still alive and well when the anthem plays that night. Because of it, though, Alex wants to talk tactics later than usual, and it’s a while before Nico manages to excuse herself and make her way up to the roof.

Karolina is already there. She gets to her feet when Nico arrives, crossing the roof in long strides and crushing her into a hug.

“I missed you,” she murmurs into Nico’s hair.

“I missed you too.” Nico wraps her arms more firmly around Karolina’s waist.

It’s long minutes before they break apart. Karolina sits facing the darkened city below them, legs crossed, and Nico allows herself to be tugged down next to her. She draws her knees up to her chest and leans towards Karolina so that their shoulders are brushing.

Karolina shifts, and Nico thinks for a heart-stopping moment that she’s pulling away. But instead Karolina presses closer, enough that Nico can feel the warmth emanating from her skin through the wool of her sweater.

They talk, pressed against one another, until the sky to the east starts to lighten.

==

On day five, Connie sets off a bomb and kills three tributes, including both from District 4.

“Congratulations,” Karolina says quietly, sitting down next to Nico that night. “She must have a pretty good mentor.”

“I’m sorry,” Nico offers, “that they had to die like that.”

Karolina’s mouth twists into a half-smile too bitter to be genuine. “They were both volunteers, they knew what they were getting into. They were _excited_ about going into the arena. And who knows, maybe she’ll usurp me as youngest victor.”

“Even so, no kid deserves that.”

“Fuck the Capitol,” Karolina says.

Nico laughs, quick and sharp.

“You hear that?” she shouts towards the city below. Up here with Karolina, she feels untouchable. “Fuck the Capitol!”

Karolina grins at her, her eyes a little watery and most of the bitterness gone, and reaches for Nico’s hand. Their fingers lace together and Nico tries unsuccessfully to ignore the way her heart beats a little faster at the contact.

She gives into the feeling for just a moment and leans her head against Karolina’s shoulder. Lets herself pretend that the Games don’t matter, that they’re just two people who met under normal circumstances.

That they could stay in this moment forever.

==

They can’t, of course, because not even two weeks later the boy from District 8 is the only one still alive and it’s all over.

Nico spends every night up until then with Karolina. Ever since the night of the bomb Karolina seems to have given up using emotional trauma as an excuse for physical contact and now they’re rarely _not_ touching, hands intertwined or Karolina’s arm around Nico’s waist or Nico’s head in Karolina’s lap.

(The night Connie dies she falls asleep like that, Karolina’s fingers carding gently through her hair.)

And Nico should be _happy_ that it’s over, that she no longer has to spend every day watching kids die, but she can’t help the way her stomach sinks when she thinks about how it’ll be nearly a year before she sees Karolina again.

She’s on the roof before Karolina the last night. She stares out across the city and thinks about what it would feel like to kiss Karolina, makes herself list all the reasons why she can’t.

(No one is allowed to move districts, not even victors, so they’d only have these few weeks a year to see each other.

The few times there _have_ been cross-district relationships between victors, their romance had been run so thoroughly through the Capitol gossip mill it drove them apart. Nico can still remember the coverage from a decade or so ago, when half the pre-Games broadcasts were devoted to picking apart the secret relationship between two mentors; by the next year they couldn’t even look at each other.

Finally, and by far the most damning, is something Nico has only heard rumors about. Whispers of Capitol executives auctioning off a night with a particularly attractive victor to the highest bidder. Of threatening to hurt their loved ones if they don’t comply.

And the first year after Nico’s victory, one of the other victors from District 3 with twenty years of mentoring under their belt had, in a moment of rare sobriety, heavily implied that this risk only got worse when you got involved with another victor. Because then they could threaten to sell your partner instead, knowing you would agree to anything to keep them safe. If she were with Karolina, Nico can only imagine what she’d be forced to do in order to protect her.

Except, here’s the thing: she’d _already_ do anything to protect her.)

She’s mulling over that last point when Karolina herself appears, clutching a bottle of wine and a bowl of strawberries.

She hands the bowl to Nico, offering, “Panem’s finest.”

“Thanks, underpaid district laborers,” Nico snarks, biting the end off a strawberry. “Hey, watch this.”

She throws the half-eaten strawberry off the edge of the roof and Karolina looks scandalized.

_“Nico!”_

Nico laughs at her until the fruit comes flying back up and hits her in the cheek.

“Here,” Karolina giggles, “you’ve got some…”

She reaches up and wipes the splatter of juice off Nico’s face. Her hand lingers there for a moment, thumb gentle against Nico’s cheekbone, and Nico’s breath hitches when their eyes meet. The tension strings out taught between them until Nico can no longer bear it and looks away.

“See? Can’t have any valuable tributes offing themselves before they make it into the arena.”

Karolina’s smile fades a little, and her hand falls back to her side.

“Yeah,” she says, her eyes downcast. “Guess not.”

Nico aches for their lost moment but she pushes the feeling aside and suggests a strawberry-top-throwing contest to break the sudden awkwardness in the air. Karolina agrees easily, and over the next hour their throws get more and more erratic as they get progressively tipsier, the length of Karolina’s thigh pressed warm and solid against Nico’s.

Eventually they doze off, Karolina leaned into Nico’s shoulder and hands tangled between them.

Nico wakes up before Karolina does. It’s starting to get light, the sky that early-morning chilly grey it turns before the sun comes up.

“C’mon,” she says, nudging Karolina awake and tugging her to her feet.

Except she doesn’t move back as she pulls Karolina up, and suddenly they’re standing so, so close.

And Nico can feel Karolina’s breath on her cheek, eyes stuck on Karolina’s mouth as she watches Karolina’s gaze drop to her own, and she makes herself remember all the reasons nothing can happen between them. Can see her own internal conflict mirrored on Karolina’s face.

Karolina turns away before Nico does.

(Nico can’t honestly say if she would have turned away at all.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's a little shorter but it didn't make sense pacing-wise to make it part of another one so here we are...
> 
> also turns out i can't count and it'll actually be 5 chapters total, but the rest are both longer and more plot-heavy than this one so hopefully it'll be worth it


	3. three

_seventy-four_

 

District 12 has a volunteer.

Gertrude Yorkes, age seventeen, jumped forward when her sister’s name was pulled out of the bowl.

And Gert doesn’t look like she can win, really, but her co-tribute does. Chase Stein is tall and muscular and handsome and won’t have any trouble getting sponsors to pay for him to survive.

Nico spends the train ride this year half-listening to Alex as he coaches their new tributes, both of whom are young and untrained and don’t stand a chance. Eventually she tunes him out altogether, thoughts caught between Gert Yorkes and Karolina.

Except, when _hasn’t_ she been thinking about Karolina, lately? Over and over during the course of the past year she’s played that last moment in her head, wondered what would have happened if she had let herself close the distance. Wondered if Karolina would have kissed her back.

(Would have let Nico pull her close, would have threaded her hand through Nico’s hair to deepen the kiss, would have slipped her tongue into Nico’s mouth.)

She leans her head listlessly against the window, watching the scenery fly past and fantasizing about a world that would let them be together.

By the time they arrive a headache is starting to press into the back of Nico’s eyes. She leaves Alex and the others at the elevator, citing the need to stretch her legs after sitting for so long, and instead climbs the deserted stairs. She pauses on District 3’s floor just as she’s pushing the stairwell door open and then lets it swing shut, keeps going up until she get to District 4′s.

Karolina is in the first common area she finds, sitting at a table with two other victors. She looks up when Nico pauses in the doorway, and Nico’s heart leaps into her throat when they make eye contact.

Karolina is even more beautiful than she remembers.

Nico laughs, forced and awkward. “Sorry, must have hit the wrong button on the elevator,” she says quickly.

Karolina’s eyes sparkle, like she knows Nico is lying. The other victors barely acknowledge her, too engrossed in their discussion, and Nico spares them a quick glance. _See you later,_ she mouths at Karolina.

The corner Karolina’s mouth tilts up in the barest hint of a smile, and Nico wants to taste it.

Instead she backs up and flees for the stairs, feeling Karolina’s eyes on her back all the way down the hall.

==

On interview night, Chase Stein tells Caesar Flickerman that he’s in love with Gert Yorkes.

Nico Minoru thinks she might be in love with Karolina Dean.

They should start a support group, she speculates. They could call it _People Who Can’t be in Relationships Because of the Fucking Hunger Games_.

Except her participation might tip the Capitol off with regard to how she feels. And Chase is about to die, probably.

So scratch that.

She runs into Karolina in a backstage hallway that night.

“Hey,” Karolina says, breathless.

“Hi.”

They haven’t seen each other since that first day, every waking hour devoted to training. For a moment Nico just stands there, staring at an equally-immobile Karolina, and then the Capitol anthem blares through the building and snaps them both out of it.

Karolina smiles at her, tight-lipped and professional, and hurries down the hall.

(She brushes her fingers across the inside of Nico’s wrist as she passes and Nico’s fingers flex, reaching out even after Karolina is long gone.)

==

The first day of the Games is a waking nightmare. And Nico has been through this before twice now - thought she might have even gotten a little numb, after two years _-_ but it still hits her like a ton of bricks when one of District 3′s tributes is killed in the opening bloodbath.

The part of her brain that isn’t working overtime to keep their remaining tribute alive dimly registers that one of District 4’s tributes died, too. Honestly, she doesn’t know why any of them are even bothering this year; after Chase’s interview, everyone in the Capitol is rooting for him and Gert.

At this point, she thinks _she_ might be rooting for Gert.

She’s exhausted by the time she gets to the roof that night, and when Karolina stumbles out of the elevator minutes later she looks to be on the brink of tears, and as tired as Nico feels.

Nico stands quickly, reaching out for her when they’re still ten feet apart. Karolina collapses into her arms and buries her face into the curve of Nico’s neck. Her shoulders shake, and Nico can tell by the dampness against her skin that she’s crying. She wraps Karolina up tighter and presses a kiss to the top of her head.

After a while Karolina pulls back a little, not letting go of Nico.

“It never gets easier, does it,” Nico says quietly.

It’s not a question, but Karolina shakes her head anyway, looking stricken.

“I’m just-- I’m _tired,”_ Karolina whispers, and Nico’s heart aches for her (and for herself, and every other victor, and all the kids who died prematurely because seventy-five years ago a bunch of adults drunk on their own power decided they should).

“I know.”

“I’m starting to get it.” Karolina’s voice is rising in volume. “Why so many old victors are addicts, or alcoholics, or just don’t even bother showing up anymore. They tell you if you can win it’ll be over and you’ll be set for life, but it’s a lie, isn’t it? If what you did to survive when twenty-three others didn’t doesn’t fuck you up enough, then you have to watch new kids you care about go through exact the same thing, and remember how scared you were and how scared they must be, and then they die. But it’s _still_ not over, because it’ll just happen every year, over and over until all you can think about is everyone you couldn’t save.”

Nico doesn’t say anything; Karolina’s expression is pleading for reassurance she’s not sure how to give, doesn’t even think she _can_ give. Instead she pulls Karolina close again, and Karolina folds into her. Nico runs her hand soothingly up and down Karolina’s back and rests their foreheads together and feels Karolina’s breath stuttering against her lips and it’s not enough and too much all at once.

They stay like that for a long time, unable to get closer but not yet willing to pull away.

==

Gert Yorkes breaks the Hunger Games.

Hers and Chase’s threat of mutual self-destruction - of no victors - throws the Gamemakers into a panicked frenzy, and before they can eat the deadly berries cupped in their palms Gert Yorkes and Chase Stein are crowned co-victors of the 74th Hunger Games.

The unorthodox nature of their win sends a ripple through the Capitol. Even Nico, trapped inside the victors’ building, can feel the first seeds of change taking root.

The night of Gert’s victory Nico sits on the roof with Karolina, pressed together shoulder to hip. Karolina’s got one of Nico’s hands cradled between both of hers, her fingers idly mapping the lines on Nico’s palm.

“What do you think is going to happen?” Nico asks.

Karolina looks down at their joined hands, laces her fingers through Nico’s. Says, “I dunno. I guess they’ll just act like that’s how they meant for it to go from the beginning.”

Silence stretches between them then, tenuous and fragile. Karolina is backlit by the lights of the city enough that she’s almost glowing, and Nico’s chest hurts to look at her.

She thinks, _fuck it._

Thinks,  _everything is going to hell anyway._

Thinks, _one night is better than nothing at all._

She turns fully towards Karolina and opens her mouth, but only gets as far as “Karolina--”

Because Karolina’s apparently been coming to her own resolution and cuts her off with a slight shake of her head and a murmured _wait,_ trailing her hand up Nico’s neck to gently cup her cheek. She leans in slow enough for Nico to pull back if she wanted to, but instead Nico tilts her face up and meets her halfway, heart hammering a mile a minute as she finally, _finally,_ kisses Karolina Dean.

The kiss is soft and unsure, and Karolina pulls away after only a few seconds.

“Sorry,” she says tentatively. “I’ve just wanted to do that for a really long time, and after today I-- I didn’t know if I’d get the chance.”

“I love you,” Nico says. The declaration tumbles unintended from her lips, more a gasp than anything else, but Nico’s never been more sure of anything in her life. This moment feels _right,_ somehow, with Karolina’s hand still on her cheek and Karolina looking down at her like they’re the only two people in the world. Nico’s heart is still racing but her hands are steady when she rests a hand on Karolina’s hip and slides the other around the back of her neck.

Karolina’s eyes are bright, her smile radiant.

“I love you too.”

Nico kisses her again, tugs her down and wraps her arm more snugly around Karolina’s waist. Karolina tilts her head to deepen the kiss and opens her mouth, cradling Nico’s face between her hands, and Nico’s spent two _years_ imagining this but none of her fantasies even came close to the real thing.

It’s messy and more than a little desperate, the way she breaks the kiss to mouth down Karolina’s neck, but Karolina shudders when Nico bites at the sensitive skin of her throat and her hands grip tight against Nico’s shoulder blades and Nico never wants to stop. But then Karolina is dragging her up for another kiss, hand insistent under Nico's jaw to guide their lips back together, and Nico forgets everything that she was just doing because Karolina licks hungrily into her mouth until they’re both gasping, too caught up in each other to remember to breathe.

Eventually they end up lying on the hard concrete of the roof, still fully clothed and trading lazy kisses with their legs tangled together.

The sky is getting lighter and some unattended part of Nico’s mind is tracking it, knows that her train leaves just a few hours after sunrise and that she has to be on it without Karolina.

But for now they’re wrapped up in each other, Nico’s leg slung across Karolina’s and Karolina’s arms around her waist, and she thinks, _If this is it-- If this is all we get, it’s worth it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? unable to write slowburn to save my life? it's more likely than you think!!
> 
> next chapter won't be until after s2 airs so it will likely be a few extra days... but i finally realized that the next chapter is actually responsible for like half the length and also 80% of the plot of this entire fic so look forward to that lmao
> 
> thank y'all so much for your comments and kudos so far!! hmu on tumblr @nicosmiinoru to cry about s2


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should i have probably broken this chapter into 2 bc it's literally as long as the first three combined but didn't want to up the number of chapters again? you know it!

_seventy-five_

 

Little by little, the districts are rebelling.

It’s mostly business as usual in District 3; their quality of life is, on average, higher than most districts. But Nico hears murmurs that grow louder and more frequent as the year progresses that District 4 is refusing to fish for the Capitol, and 11 and 12 are practically all-out rioting.

A month before the reaping, Nico stands in the town square with a crowd of others, watching as President Jonah announces the third Quarter Quell - once every twenty-five years, the rules are different, just to keep the districts on edge. This seventy-fifth Games is particularly special, he says, because the creators of the Hunger Games had wanted to remind the districts that no one is safe, and so this year’s tributes will be drawn from the pool of past victors.

Nico feels her stomach drop somewhere into the cracked pavement beneath her feet at the announcement and tries to ignore the way everyone is suddenly staring at her.

There are three surviving female victors from District 3. It might not be her.

(With her family’s track record, she might as well pack her bags now.)

And Karolina’s got a one in five chance, so she could be safe.

_(Please let her be safe.)_

She thinks next of Gert Yorkes. One of only three victors to ever come out of District 12, and the only girl, and that-- that’s why they’re doing this.

==

The day of the reaping is, for the first time in Nico’s life, different.

Instead of the orderly groups of teenagers crowded into the main square, wondering which of them will die this year, it’s just Nico and five others in a neat line next to the stage.

“Ladies first!”

The Capitol representative reaches into the nearly-empty glass bowl and makes a big show of fishing around before emerging with a single slip of paper. And Nico somehow knew what was coming, but it still sends her reeling.

“Nico Minoru!”

She spots her parents in the crowd as she climbs on leaden feet up to the stage, and she didn’t want to cry until now. They only had two kids, but somehow ended up sending three to the Hunger Games.

The second slip of paper pulled from the bowl doesn’t have Alex’s name on it, but he _volunteers._ Nico wonders vaguely, as he clambers up next to her, how much worse the comparisons between her and Amy will get now that she’s being sent back with Amy’s old partner.

She watches the other reapings on the train to the Capitol - as a tribute, _again,_ instead of a mentor - when the quick-cut version is rebroadcast in district order. She barely registers those from 1 and 2, heart beating twice as hard as it was during her own reaping as the recording finally gets to District 4.

_Not Karolina not Karolina not Karo--_

_“Karolina Dean!”_

Her heart breaks, just a little bit.

(She finds out, later in their journey, why Alex volunteered; learns about the continued existence of District 13, and their plan to get Gert Yorkes out of the arena and turn her into a revolutionary.

Alex lists off their soon-to-be allies in the arena in a hushed whisper at the back of the train, and the only names she recognizes are Chase Stein and Karolina.

And that’s it, then, their only objective once the Games start. To keep Gert safe - at any cost.)

==

Nico’s in a daze when they get to the Capitol, and time passes in flashes.

On day two she sees Karolina on the training floor, practicing with a spear.

They make eye contact, briefly, and Nico wants _so_ badly to run to her. She wants to wrap Karolina up in her arms and never let go.

(It’s been eleven months, but Nico can still recall in vivid detail the warmth of Karolina’s body, the feel of it under her hands, the way her mouth tasted.)

Instead she turns away, headed towards the knife-throwing station directly behind her.

That night, and all that follow, she spends with Karolina on the roof, bundled up together against the chilly night air. They talk for hours, about their pasts and hopes and fears and everything they thought they would have more time for. Nico relearns the shape and feel of Karolina’s mouth against her own, the way her fingers tighten at Nico’s waist and her breathing gets shallow when Nico kisses that one spot under her jaw, and it’s heartbreaking how the amount and intensity with which she loves Karolina seems to have an inverse relationship to how much time they have left.

And before she knows it, it’s the night before the Games.

Nico has never liked interview night. She’s always found it a pointless excuse for the stronger tributes to show off, while the weaker ones scramble desperately to convince rich spectators that they have any value at all. This year it seems even more unnecessary than usual, given that the tributes will basically be divided into “those who support Gert Yorkes” and “those who want to kill Gert Yorkes”; Nico can’t honestly say she’s given winning any thought at all. On top of it all, every minute she has to spend in front of cameras wearing a fake smile and uncomfortable dress is a minute less she gets to spend with Karolina, on what could very well be their last night ever.

The only small mercy is that interviews progress in district order, so at least she can get hers over with early on. The first four are boring, each a repackaged version of the same set of questions courtesy of Caesar Flickerman, tonight with glossy white hair to match his dazzling smile.

_(How do you feel about the Quarter Quell? What went through your mind when you were picked to go back to the arena? What do you think of the competition this year? Do you think the strategy you used to win last time will be effective now?)_

Then Nico’s up for her five minutes of fame. At first the questions are more of the same, and she can answer them all easily enough - and then Caesar throws her a curveball that sends her reeling.

“Trusted sources tell me you’re dating Karolina Dean. How do you think your relationship will affect your approach to the Games this year, given that you’ll be competing against each other?”

Nico blinks, stunned into a silence that Caesar takes as confirmation. He winks at the audience, flashing them a knowing grin. And denial is probably useless, but the action spurs her into going for it anyway.

“I’ve respected Karolina since she won her Games, but we have no relationship beyond that. I don’t think I’ve ever even had a conversation with her.”

Caesar laughs. “I think you’ll find we have some pretty convincing evidence to the contrary. Shall we take a look?”

 _(Nice try,_ he mouths at her as the screen behind them flickers to life.)

And Nico is suddenly besieged with a shockingly thorough documentation of her and Karolina’s stolen moments, set to a sweeping musical score: Karolina taking her hand, the night her first tribute died; Karolina wrapping her in a hug just a little too long to be platonic; her head in Karolina’s lap, Karolina’s fingers in her hair; Karolina’s forehead pressed against hers; Karolina kissing her for the first time.

It’s far, far too intimate for this setting. Nico feels like she’s being flayed open on stage, her feelings laid bare for the world to see, and her face is burning by the time the reel finally fades out. The closing shot must have been taken just the previous night; it's of Karolina’s lips at the base of Nico's throat, her arms tight around Karolina’s waist.

Caesar prompts, “Looks like you’ve gotten to know each other pretty well, wouldn’t you say?”

“Looks like it,” Nico retorts, doing her best to stay expressionless. He might have her backed into a corner but she’s still going to make him work for it.

He pauses, contemplating his next question, then turns to the audience and grins, “Looks like we’re out of time here, folks!”

Groans and boos issue from the crowd and Caesar holds up his hand, clearly enjoying himself.

“Never fear, we’ve got an interview with Karolina Dean herself coming up in just a few minutes!”

Nico wants to throttle him. Instead she paints a smile onto her face and rises, shakes Caesar’s hand, and walks unsteadily off stage, doing her best to ignore the whistles and hollers at her departure and tucking herself into a corner to watch Alex’s interview.

He mostly gets canned questions, and nothing at all about her or Karolina; she gets the impression Caesar is just building it up.

When his time is up, he joins Nico in the wings. She can’t look at him, the images of her and Karolina tangled together still burned into her retinas.

And now it’s Karolina’s turn.

Karolina walks across the stage for her interview in a shimmering peach dress, hair swept up off her neck and the most beautiful thing Nico’s ever seen. And sure, maybe Nico’s stomach has been replaced by a pit of squirming embarrassment, but it still manages a weak flip when she sees her.

Karolina’s interview starts with a few easy questions, and Nico remembers why she won. She’s _good_ at this, good at putting on a show and playing the system, and she’s likable and charming as she banters with Caesar.

With two minutes left, he pauses and Nico knows what’s coming.

“So… you and Nico Minoru.”

Karolina smiles, “I mean, you’ve seen it all. What else can I say? We met as mentors, and we fell in love.”

(No one is looking at her, but Nico can feel her face heating up again.)

“And how does that affect the way you feel about the Quarter Quell?” Caesar presses.

“It’s heartbreaking, for sure. It’s the end of anything we might have had, because at least one of us won’t be leaving the arena.”

She pauses to let the crowd murmur sympathetically.

“But,” Karolina continues, and Nico marvels again at how poised she is, “I feel like I owe the Hunger Games. Without them I never would have met Nico, never have gotten to be with her at all. So for that I’m grateful.”

“Excellent points,” Caesar nods pompously, “and I know that I, for one, will be rooting for the two of you. Now, just one final question: will your feelings change anything about the way you compete?”

Karolina pauses before she speaks, careful and deliberate. “Love is about sacrifice. I suppose I’m just going to do my best to make sure Nico is the one to make it out alive.”

The crowd erupts at her words. And Nico knows that it’s a lie, that there’s an extraction plan in place specifically for Gert, but she can’t help but want to cry at the raw emotion on Karolina’s face. Can’t help but believe her.

==

Nico doesn’t go to the roof that night.

She fully intends to; she changes into a thick sweater and is just wiping off the last of her makeup when there’s a tentative knock at her door. She tosses away the eyeliner-streaked towel in her hand and pulls open the door expecting to find Alex, wanting to go over the plan one last time before the Games tomorrow.

It’s not Alex.

It’s Karolina.

She’s swapped out her interview dress for a loose flannel and her face is bare of the night’s elaborate makeup, hair unpinned and falling in soft waves around her shoulders. Her eyes are wide and nervous and piercingly blue, hands fidgeting at the hem of her shirt.

Nico loves her so, so much.

“Hey,” she whispers.

“Nico,” Karolina says. Her voice cracks on the last syllable.

Nico’s voice is caught in her throat but her body moves automatically.

She’s reaching out to curl her fingers around the back of Karolina’s neck; she’s pulling her into the room; she’s leaning up and slanting their mouths together.

Karolina stumbles across the threshold and into Nico. She kisses her back blindly, desperately, one hand slipping under the edge of Nico’s sweater. Fingertips curl against the bare skin of Nico’s hip as Karolina feels for the door with her other hand, closing it with a _snap._

Nico backs her up against it, pressing the length of their bodies together and craning her neck upwards to maintain the kiss. Karolina’s teeth scrape at Nico’s bottom lip and Nico feels like she’s drowning, that Karolina is the only thing keeping her afloat. She uses the hand in Karolina’s hair to tilt her head upward, pressing a kiss to the corner of Karolina’s jaw before continuing down, and Karolina honest-to-god _whimpers_ when Nico sucks a bruise into the soft skin of her neck.

Nico’s mouth hits the collar of Karolina’s shirt and her hands instinctively find the top button. She pauses, pulling back slightly.

“Are you sure?”

Karolina’s hair is mussed, her breathing shallow. She rests her forehead against Nico’s and breathes out a _yes_ into her ear through kiss-swollen lips, puts her hands over Nico’s and guides her through the first few buttons. Nico can barely breathe as she fumbles her way through the rest, drinking in every new bit of exposed skin.

"God, you’re pretty,” she whispers when she gets to the bottom.

Karolina’s mouth quirks up at the compliment and she cups Nico’s jaw in her hand, thumb tracing the line of her cheekbone. Nico presses a kiss sideways into her palm, and then leans forward to kiss Karolina’s throat, her collarbone, her chest.

Karolina shivers at the contact, breath warm against the shell of Nico’s ear, and shrugs her shirt the rest of the way off. She slides her hands back under Nico’s sweater to tug it up and over her head.

Leaves both garments to puddle on the floor and presses Nico backward towards the bed.

==

Later, Nico lies curled into Karolina’s side, Karolina’s arm a comforting weight around her shoulders.

She slowly traces the cascade of purpling marks she’s left across Karolina’s collarbone and down her chest, marveling at the trail of goosebumps that follow the path of her finger. Karolina catches her hand and draws it upward, pressing her lips against Nico’s knuckles. Nico brushes her thumb absently along Karolina’s bottom lip.

“I don’t want to die.”

It’s barely audible, mumbled into Karolina’s shoulder, but Nico can tell she’d heard by the way she stiffens.

“You won’t,” Karolina whispers. “I won’t let you.”

Nico props herself up on an elbow to look down at her.

“I don’t want you to die either.”

Karolina smiles, soft and sad and beautiful. “I won’t.”

“Promise?”

Instead of answering, Karolina tugs her down into a kiss, slow and open-mouthed. Her nails dig into the back of Nico’s neck, and Nico knows it’s as close to a promise as she’ll get.

Even if it feels like a good-bye.

(Karolina is gone when Nico wakes up a few hours later. She rolls over and presses her face into Karolina’s pillow, inhales the orange blossom scent of her shampoo and misses the warm comfort of her arms.)

==

In the morning, Nico doesn’t have time to do anything except think about the upcoming Games. From the moment she wakes up, everything is heightened, like they’re just now realizing how high the stakes are. Alex goes over the general plan with her one last time: stick close to Gert, stay hidden and keep her alive, somehow destroy the force field around the arena so District 13 can pick them all up. If everything goes well, they’ll all be away from the arena and safe in a few days. He tries to sound confident, but the anxiety in his eyes betrays just how many things could go wrong.

Almost before she knows it, Nico is on a transport ship headed for the arena.

(The stylists dressing her don’t comment on the hickeys scattered across her chest, but one of them winks at her.)

And then it’s time. She steps onto her designated platform feeling like she’s going to throw up, and the feeling only worsens as she rises into the arena and is suddenly surrounded by water. On the shore behind her the supply Cornucopia is filled with nothing but weapons. There’s no food, no survival gear - it seems the Gamemakers want this to be over as quickly as possible. She spots Gert, quivering with anticipation three platforms away from her. Chase is two beyond that, and next to him is Karolina.

Their eyes meet as the countdown begins.

_Three_

_Two_

_One_

And Nico dives, swimming as fast as she can towards the weapons on the shore. She has no intention of joining the initial bloodbath, but she wouldn’t mind having something to defend herself. She’s the first to reach land in her immediate area and sprints towards the closest knife, long and sharp and deadly. The lack of any immediate threat gives her time to find Gert, fifty feet away and slinging a quiver of arrows over her shoulder with Chase at her side.

A man emerges from the water close to Gert with murder in his eyes. Nico has barely taken two steps toward him with her newly acquired knife when he stops dead in his tracks, a spearhead protruding out the front of his chest. He sways and falls forward to reveal Alex behind him.

Alex yanks the bloody spear out and the cannon goes off.

_One down._

“C’mon!” he yells, and Nico follows him, Gert, and Chase into the jungle behind them.

The cannon fires eight times as they run, and Nico’s chest gets tighter with every boom. She knows that Karolina knows the plan, that she’s smart and a good fighter, but there’s still that persistent _what if_ burning through her.

That night, after they’ve made camp, the faces of the dead are projected across the sky. Ten in total, including the man Alex killed, but Karolina isn’t among them.

Alex is watching her, and Nico knows that there are undoubtedly multiple cameras trained on her, and that the relief painted across her face will be captured for all of Panem to see, but she can’t bring herself to care.

==

Nico is awoken abruptly the next day by a gong that sounds twelve times through the arena, reverberating through her bones. A lightning storm is barely visible in the distance, and the cannon goes off within the hour.

_(Not Karolina not Karolina not Karolina)_

Several hours of wandering aimlessly through the jungle later, a dense fog creeps toward them, blistering and burning. Nico, Alex, Gert, and Chase barely make it back to the beach before they collapse, the fog trapped behind an invisible wall at the edge of the sand. They lie panting in the lake’s brackish water and let the salt leech the poison from their skin.

Eventually Nico regains enough strength to sit up, the lower half of her body still submerged.

“Is everyone okay?” she calls.

Gert struggles up beside her. “Yeah,” she says. “Stings, though.”

Chase and Alex rise as well, shaking water out of their faces, and the four of them start back towards the trees.

They’ve barely taken a step when three people stumble out of them.

One of them is Karolina, but the initial relief that floods through Nico quickly turns to panic as they get closer and it becomes apparent that all three of them are covered in blood. On second glance, though, it seems to be coming mostly from the figure in the middle. He’s half-stumbling and supported between Karolina and the third figure, who Nico recognizes as Victor Mancha, the other tribute from District 4.

Victor and Karolina lay the injured tribute down on the sand, and Nico and the others gather around. Up close, he’s identifiable through the blood as Tristan, from District 10; one of their allies in getting Gert to out of the arena. He has deep slashes across his stomach and they watch helplessly as his breathing gets shallower.

The cannon sounds.

“Fuck,” Victor breathes, falling back on his heels. For the first time, Nico looks closely at him and Karolina.

 _(Karolina,_ who’s still alive, and who despite their current precarious situation Nico still longs to fall into.)

Despite the blood, the two of them seem to be unharmed, and the tightness in Nico’s chest loosens a bit.

“What happened?”

Alex is looking at Victor, but it’s Karolina who answers.

“It was mutts - those mutant dogs that the Gamemakers engineer - they were everywhere. Victor killed the one that was on top of us, but not before Tristan…” she trails off, gesturing helplessly.

They don’t bury him, exactly - his body will be airlifted away the minute they leave the beach - but Nico finds some wildflowers just behind the tree line and lays them on his chest, and Chase closes his eyes and does his best to wash the blood off his face.

“Back to the trees?” Chase asks as they finish, and no one has any better ideas so they move as a pack back into the jungle.

Karolina falls into step next to Nico, and Nico reaches out to lace their fingers together.

==

After they've made camp for the night, Nico volunteers to take first watch, and Karolina is quick to join her. They settle in side by side against a tree, a little ways off from their sleeping allies.

Nico breaks the silence, asking, “What happened to you after the Games started?”

“I got attacked, right after I made it to the beach. I’m fine, just got cut a little - ” (here she gestures to her arm, where a scabbed-over gash a few inches long is visible through her torn sleeve) “ - but by the time I’d fought her off you’d all disappeared.”

Nico leans down to kiss Karolina’s shoulder, just above the wound. Karolina sighs a little, running her hand through Nico’s hair, before she continues.

“So I just started walking, hoped I’d catch up with you eventually. I ran into Victor and Tristan this morning, and, well… you saw how that went.”

Nico puts her hand on Karolina’s knee and squeezes.

“For what it’s worth,” she says quietly, “I’m really glad you found us.”

 _(I’m glad he died instead of you,_ she doesn’t say.)

Karolina seems to understand anyway, covering Nico’s hand with her own. They sit in silence for a long time, taking comfort from each other’s presence. Nico’s hand never leaves Karolina’s leg.

Chase and Alex have the second watch, and eventually they go to wake them. Chase and Gert have fallen asleep holding hands.

Nico lies down facing Karolina, their foreheads almost touching, and Karolina slings her arm across Nico’s waist. Nico leans forward to press their lips firmly together, lets them linger like that for a moment. Her desire to always be kissing Karolina battles briefly with her more immediately pressing need for sleep before she pulls reluctantly away and tucks her head under Karolina’s chin.

“I love you,” Karolina whispers.

“I love you too,” Nico murmurs into Karolina’s chest.

She falls asleep listening to Karolina’s heartbeat, strong and steady and _alive._

==

Nico wakes up wrapped in Karolina, and it’s a minute before she remembers where she is. The crisp outdoor air of early morning and the rock digging into her side bring it back all too soon, though, the past few weeks washing over her all at once. She buries her face into Karolina’s neck to block it out for just a bit longer and thinks about how nice it would be to wake up like this every day for the rest of her life.

Actually, given how soon it could end, that might not be too unreasonable a request.

Karolina stirs against her, yawning and tightening her arms around Nico’s shoulders.

“Hey! You two!”

A pinecone hits the back of her head and Nico detangles herself from Karolina and sits up, glaring blearily at Chase.

“Get up,” he says, unfazed, “Victor figured out how the arena works.”

Ten minutes and a handful of probably-not-poisonous berries later, they’re all on their way back to the lake. On the way, Gert explains how the arena isn’t just a perfect circle but also a twelve-section clock, a different disaster occurring each hour in one of the twelve.

“So there’s the lighting, the fog, and the mutts,” Victor adds. “We don’t know the others yet.”

They get to the lake just in time to see the fog dissipate from a section of forest and an enormous tidal wave sweep through the trees immediately to the right.

Victor grins. “Told you.”

They stay on the beach for a while. Between the combined efforts of Chase, Karolina, and Nico, they manage to catch a few fish, which they devour raw on the sand. Gert and Victor start drawing up a map of the clock, while Alex examines a coil of wire left in the Cornucopia.

“We can probably run this from that big tree the lightning hits. It’ll act as a lightning rod and we can electrocute anyone hit by that tidal wave.”

 _Or_ _,_ Nico interprets, watching Chase run through the same mental gymnastics she’s currently performing, _we can use it to fry the force field around the arena and give District 13 an opening to come get Gert._

Because that’s what it’s about, really: everything they do is to get Gert Yorkes out of the arena.

But before anyone can actually answer, a high-pitched and terrified scream echoes out from somewhere in the jungle.

_“Molly!”_

And suddenly Gert isn’t with them anymore, sprinting towards the source of the scream. Nico’s the first to react and so she’s the first after her, outpacing the others. She loses them around the time she passes the tree line, but eventually catches up to Gert. The girl in question is gazing upwards, where her little sister’s screams are issuing from a jabberjay perched on a branch above her.

Another scream emanates from their left, and this one Nico recognizes. Except it’s a voice she thought she’d never hear again.

“Amy,” she says, and Gert turns at the sound of her voice. She fits an arrow into her bow and with one motion silences the jabberjay with the voice of Nico’s dead sister.

“Thanks,” Nico whispers shakily, and Gert nods, face ashen.

More screams, this time from the direction they came. But these make Nico’s blood run cold, because it sounds like--

 _“Chase!”_ Gert yells, already moving. _“Karolina!”_

Nico is hot on her heels, sprinting back out of the forest. The beach comes into sight and they now they can see Chase and Karolina, standing at the edge of the forest with Alex and Victor and seemingly perfectly fine. And it looks like they’re yelling, but their mouths don’t line up with the shouts Nico hears, and suddenly-- _wham!_

Gert collides with what seems to be solid air, and Nico hits it next to her a split second later.

They grope along but it’s impenetrable, a force field fencing them into what they now realize is a section of the clock, with the jabberjays the nightmare of the hour.

Soon Karolina’s and Chase’s screams around them are joined by Amy’s and Molly’s as more and more jabberjays arrive. Gert shoots a few and stabs a few more, and Nico slashes with her knife until the ground in front of her is littered with dead birds, but they keep coming in an overwhelming tide until she cowers back against the invisible wall.

She can no longer hear the screams meant for Gert as the birds corner her, Amy and Karolina and even a few that sound like Alex.

On the beach side Karolina is frantic, slapping futilely at the solid air separating her from Nico and mouthing words Nico can’t hear, and even seeing Karolina safe in front of her doesn’t make the screams reverberating through Nico’s eardrums any less horrifying. She ends up on the ground with her back pressed against the wall, head between her knees in an attempt to block out the sound.

After what feels like far longer than an hour, the screams stop.

It’s abrupt; one second the air is filled with them, and the next Nico is surrounded by an eerie silence broken only by the sound of wings as all the jabberjays fly off at once. At the same time the wall disappears, and Nico falls backwards through what was previously an inch of solid air.

She collapses into Karolina’s arms and Karolina holds her tightly, strokes her hair and presses her forehead against Nico’s.

“It’s okay,” she whispers into Nico’s mouth, and Nico clings to her like a lifeline, “it’s okay, I’m okay, I’ve got you.”

==

It’s a while before they’re able to retreat back into the forest; safe in this section, they know, for the next twelve hours.

Karolina is right next to her, alive and unharmed, but her screams, mingled with Amy’s, still echo in Nico’s ears. Karolina can tell that she’s still shaky, despite Nico’s insistence that she’s fine. She shoots Nico a worried glance every few minutes, and touches her more than necessary - fingers brushing against her palm, a hand at the small of her back - as though trying to prove she’s okay.

Nico loves her a little more for it.

When they stop for the night, Gert and Chase take first watch. Gert doesn’t look as wrecked as Nico feels, but she’s kept Chase’s hand secure in hers for most of the evening.

Karolina wraps herself carefully around Nico as they lie down, one arm secure around her waist. She presses a lingering kiss against Nico’s shoulder and Nico melts into her. For just a moment, she allows herself to relax, to pretend that being in Karolina’s arms means that she’s safe.

==

Alex insists in the morning that they need to use the lightning tree _today._ Nico watches him exchange a significant glance with Chase, and understands: there were three more cannons yesterday. Time is running out.

On their way to the tree, Alex suggests that they run a wire down to the beach. It’s a central location, relatively easy in theory to herd other tributes towards. And, more importantly, it makes enough sense as a cover that the Gamemakers watching in the Capitol will - hopefully - buy it.

Karolina offers to take it, and Nico quickly nominates herself to go with her. She can’t shake the feeling that something is about to go horribly wrong.

It seems Karolina can’t, either. They’re five minutes into the return journey, the wire buried successfully in the wet sand at the lake’s edge, when she half-turns towards Nico.

“Hey.”

Nico looks up at her questioningly, careful not to slow their pace.

Karolina says, “I meant what I said, you know. During that interview. The Hunger Games are horrifying, but meeting you--

“I think meeting you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Nico swallows hard. Her throat feels thick.

“Me too,” she manages. She reaches out and hooks two fingers around Karolina’s palm.

Karolina smiles down at her, and then her face freezes and she gasps sharply.

Nico stops, her blood running cold. There’s a spear embedded in Karolina’s thigh, and blood is pouring down her leg. She whips around to see the woman from District 2 ten yards behind them, pulling another spear off her back.

A branch snaps next to her and she turns just in time to plunge her knife into the stomach of District 2’s other tribute, clearly her partner in crime. He dies quickly, fingers scrabbling uselessly at Nico’s grip on the blade.

Seeing her partner downed, the woman turns to run, and Nico sees red. In one fluid motion she twists the knife, yanks it out, and throws it at the woman’s retreating form.

It buries itself in her back and she falls without a sound.

Nico barely waits for the knife to find its target before she turns towards Karolina, collapsed to the ground beside her during the fight.

“Come on,” Nico says desperately, pulling Karolina to her feet and slinging her arm across her shoulders, “Come on, back to the tree, we can make it.”

And Karolina _tries,_ she does, but the ground is slippery and uneven and they’ve barely gone fifteen feet before she stops and sinks down again.

“Nico,” Karolina says. Her face is twisted in pain, and Nico knows what she’s going to say but she so badly doesn’t want to hear it.

“Nico, I can’t do it.”

“I’m not leaving you,” Nico says, and she’s crying, can feel tears tracing a path through the dirt smudged on her cheeks.

Karolina reaches up to wipe them away, leaving a smear of her own blood in their place.

“Nico, go. You have to go.”

Nico knows she’s right, but it doesn’t stop her heart from shattering at the thought of leaving Karolina behind. She kisses her, hard and desperate, tries pour all her love into Karolina as though it will keep her alive. She helps Karolina to sit up against a tree, retrieving the knife from where it’s still buried in the back of the woman she killed. She wipes the blood off on the woman’s pants before giving it to Karolina.

“I love you,” Nico says, stifling a sob.

Karolina smiles, soft and sad. She tugs Nico down for one last kiss, her mouth achingly gentle.

“I love you too.” She tucks a loose strand of Nico’s hair behind her ear, her eyes full of the affection she seems to reserve only for Nico. “It’s gonna be okay. Now _go.”_

And Nico turns and runs, towards their allies and away from her heart.

She doesn’t look back.

==

Back at the lightning tree, everything has gone sideways.

Nico skids to a stop at the edge of the clearing, brought to a standstill with an arrow pointed at her chest. Gert’s bow is drawn, nocked arrow directed alternately at Alex and Victor and now Nico, too. Chase is nowhere to be seen.

Nico steps cautiously forward, hands raised.

“Tell me what’s going on,” Gert says. Her voice is shaky but she holds the bow steady. “Where’s Karolina?”

“You need to trust me,” Nico replies, even as she feels her heart break a little more. Out of the corner of her eye she sees the trees around them rustling as the wind picks up, and can hear the first rumblings of thunder. “We’re running out of time.”

“Better start talking, then.” Gert swings the bow around from Nico to point at Alex.

Nico takes another step.

“Karolina’s gone. She got hit, and I just-- I just left her to _die_ so I could make it back here.” Her voice hitches, and she fights through it, “Remember who the real enemy is.”

Gert is silent, eyebrows drawn sharply together, but she then she twists her mouth and relaxes the bowstring.

“The enemy of my enemy is my friend, I guess.”

And following Nico’s murmured instructions, she ties the end of a long wire around an arrow, Victor securing the other end to the lightning tree.

“Ready,” Alex says, eyes fixed on the sky above as the gongs begin to sound the top of the hour.

Gert pulls back the arrow.

“Fire!”

The four of them stand silently and watch as it sails upwards, a thin gleam of silver trailing behind. There’s a faint shimmer as it hits the force field at the top of the arena, and a split second later lightning strikes.

The world explodes.

The last thing Nico sees is an airship descending through the jagged hole they’ve blown in the force field, and then her vision goes dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just one more to go...
> 
> i've spent so long messing with this one that i just need to get it up so i'll stop looking at it, so let me know what y'all think!


	5. five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> turns out i'm a liar and a fool and actually need one more chapter to wrap this up

_zero_

 

Nico wakes to the whirring of engines, blinking in the bright industrial light of the airship’s interior. When she shifts something tugs at her arm, and she looks down to see the needle of an IV taped into her vein.

Beyond it she can see Gert, still unconscious.

On her other side is Alex, and Victor beyond him. Alex’s eyes are open, and he turns his head when she looks over.

“We did it,” he says.

“Yeah.” Nico looks back up at the ceiling. She doesn’t feel triumphant, or even successful. Any semblance of victory has been eclipsed by the emptiness in her chest, raw and aching, where Karolina used to be.

After a while Gert wakes up, and _Chase_ is the first word out of her mouth. Nico wants to cry. She watches helplessly as Gert looks frantically around the room, struggling with the IV in her arm.

Two people rush in, a woman that looks like a nurse closely followed by a girl with curly black hair clutching an enormous struggling cat in her arms.

“Molly!” Gert cries. “Old Lace!” She forgets about the IV and reaches towards her sister, who dumps the disgruntled animal at the end of Gert’s bed to hug her. Their embrace only lasts a moment, though, before Gert pulls away.

“Where’s Chase?”

Molly’s face falls, and the nurse lays a hand on Gert’s shoulder.

“We had to focus on getting you out,” she says. “We couldn’t get to him in time.”

“He’s not dead, though!” Molly adds quickly. “The Capitol picked him and Karolina up before we could.”

Nico’s heart leaps.

“Karolina?” she asks hoarsely, and the three of them look over at her. “She’s still alive?”

“Our intel says she is, yes.” The nurse smiles at her before turning her attention back to Gert, who’s managed to pull the needle out of her arm and is now yelling at them to _turn this plane around right now_.

Nico has half a mind to join her, her heart thrumming hopefully.

 _Karolina is alive_.

And then it drops down into her stomach, the unpleasant cold of anxiety seeping into her limbs.

_And the Capitol has her._

==

Over the next weeks and months, Nico throws herself into the rebellion. To her surprise, she finds herself working mostly with Gert. Victor turns out to have the same knack for technology that Alex does, and the two of them spend most of their time huddled around District 13′s computers trying to hack into Capitol servers.

Meanwhile Gert is becoming the Girl on Fire, a beacon of hope for downtrodden districts seeking a face for their liberty. District 13’s president, Director Power, has her speaking in videos that Alex’s hacking allows them to broadcast throughout Panem (“I got an A+ in Ethical Hacking,” he brags to Nico once shortly after their arrival. “I feel like this qualifies, don’t you think?”). The videos are all similar, short propaganda pieces trying to convince everyone that fighting back is in their best interest.

Nico joins Gert’s cohort of guards whenever she films something outside of underground bunker that houses District 13. Inside, she helps with scripts, post-production, anything that will keep her busy. She spends a lot of time rewiring cameras - she might not be a technological genius, but just _being_ from District 3 means she has a lot more experience than most of the people here.

Besides, it’s complicated enough that she doesn’t have as much mental capacity to spend thinking about Karolina.

At the beginning she’d asked about her - about any upcoming rescue mission - every day, sometimes several times. She’d march into the Director’s office, Gert hot on her heels more often than not, and demand to be sent to the Capitol. As time went on though, and the days turned into weeks turned into _months,_ not thinking about Karolina had become necessary to maintain her own sanity. Instead, she buries herself in her work and lets the gaping hole in her chest scar over. The sharp pain of losing Karolina gradually fades to a dull, persistent ache.

(Except sometimes Nico will wake up in the middle of the night and reach out for Karolina, which doesn’t even make any _sense_ because they’d only ever spent the night together in the forest during the Quarter Quell, but for a second when she’s still half asleep she’ll be convinced that Karolina is next to her. But her hand will find nothing but air and it will hit her all over again, that the best-case scenario for them is that Karolina is rotting in a Capitol prison somewhere and there’s still a sliver of hope that Nico will get to see her again, to hold her and kiss her and tell her how very sorry she is for leaving her behind. And then Nico will curl into a ball and scream silently into her pillow in an attempt to not wake her roommate Klara in the bunk below her, and wish that the spear that day in the arena had hit her instead.)

They see Chase three times, in live interviews with Caesar Flickerman. In the first one he’s healthy, his usual handsome and charming self. In the second, he’s the opposite - he looks sickly and terrified, and in the third he looks even worse. In all three he calls for a ceasefire, for District 13’s peaceful surrender.

Watching the broadcasts, Nico can’t decide if she or Gert has it worse.

Because Gert is watching Chase deteriorate before her eyes, threatened or brainwashed or both. But at least she knows he’s still _alive,_ while Nico is left grasping desperately to the idea that if Karolina had died they would have at least heard something.

No news is good news, right?

(She thinks maybe that’s why she and Gert get on so well. They’ve both got a piece of their heart in the Capitol.)

==

“Are we sure this is safe?” Alex asks.

They’re en route to a burned-out hospital in District 10 to shoot a new video. Normally it would just be Nico with Gert’s entourage, but Alex is along for the ride because they’re going to try something new; instead of just recording the footage to edit and send out later, they’re doing a livestream. Director Power thinks it’ll make Gert sound “more authentic.”

“Director Power seems to think it is, so…” Nico says. Regardless of what she tells Alex, though, she almost doesn’t care anymore. It’s been long enough since Karolina maybe-didn’t-die, since they’ve heard anything _at all_ about her, that she feels numb, doing her best to just get through one day at a time.

Alex is silent, but Nico can see his jaw tighten.

After a few hours they touch down. The hospital they’re filming at was bombed long enough ago that the air is clear, but every so often a gust of wind will send ash billowing into their faces. Gert coughs.

“Hey, play that up,” Alex says. “It’ll let everyone watching see how the Capitol has destroyed the places they loved.”

“Be careful though, please,” Nico says. “Director Power would kill me if I let anything happen to you.

“He’s right, though,” she adds begrudgingly.

They’ve gotten efficient over the last couple of months - it only takes them ten minutes to set up all the cameras, but then they sit around for another twenty waiting for Alex to get the livestream working properly. Nico spends the entire time glancing anxiously around, waiting for any sort of ambush. Despite her worry, the filming itself goes off without a hitch. Gert is well-spoken and convincing - throwing in a few coughs for good measure - while she gestures emphatically to their post-apocalyptic surroundings, and Alex manages to keep his backdoor into the Capitol's network open long enough for the entire video to broadcast.

“Great job, team,” Gert says once Alex stops the stream. “Let’s pack it up and move out.”

“No attacks,” Nico says. “Kind of surprising, given how much we seemed like sitting ducks out here.”

She doesn’t mean to sound wistful, but something in her voice must come across that way because Gert looks at her sharply.

“Did you _want_ to get attacked?”

“Of course not,” Nico says quickly. “I only meant--”

“Good,” Gert replies, “because Karolina would be pretty devastated if she were rescued only to find out that you had developed some sort of tragic hero complex and gotten yourself killed, don’t you think?”

Nico shuts her mouth, tamping down the surge of emotion that wells up at hearing Karolina’s name. Gert, satisfied, goes back to helping the cleanup crew, but her words linger. Nico turns them over and over in her mind on the flight back to District 13; resolves to live for Karolina, even if she won’t be around to appreciate it.

But she won’t - _can’t_ \- think like that.

==

Four months after their arrival, Alex goes missing. That in itself isn’t particularly unusual; there’s enough work to do and enough people running around on constantly-shifting schedules that Nico often goes days without seeing him.

After a week, though, she’s starting to get worried. On top of that, when she leaves with Gert’s team to record a new video in the wreckage of District 12, there are noticeably less aircraft in the hangar than usual.

She goes to find Victor later that day. He’s at his usual workstation, multiple shell scripts running at once as he tries to brute force his way through the Capitol’s firewalls.

He looks up at her approach, quailing a little under the combined weight of her and Gert’s glares.

“Where’s Alex?”

Victor sighs. “I guess it’s been long enough that I can tell you. He volunteered for the rescue mission they sent out last week. Was on his way to the Capitol last time I checked.”

“Rescue mission?” Gert’s voice is hoarse.

“Yeah, to get Chase. And-- and Karolina.”

He avoids Nico’s eyes as he answers, and she suddenly remembers that he and Karolina are from the same district.

Gert presses, “And why wasn’t I allowed to go?”

He lets out a short laugh. “Are you kidding? Send the most important piece of the rebellion right into the Capitol’s hands?”

“What about me?” Nico asks. Her voice cracks on the last word.

Victor finally makes eye contact. “It’s too personal for you. They didn’t want to take the chance that-- well, that you’d put Chase’s rescue in jeopardy to find Karolina.”

 _(If it turns out she’s already dead,_ he doesn’t have to say)

The thing is, Nico knows he’s right, that neither she nor Gert should have been let anywhere near this mission. But it doesn’t stop her from marching into the command center twenty minutes later, half a step behind Gert.

Director Power has obviously been expecting them. She ushers everyone else out of the room before Gert can even open her mouth, and then stands quietly and listens until the two of them have finished shouting.

Finally she speaks, slowly and carefully. “This is exactly why we didn’t tell either of you.”

Gert starts up again, and the Director holds up a hand to cut her off. She glances between the two of them, and then sighs and looks down at her watch.

“Okay,” she says. “Okay. Look, we weren’t supposed to let you know until they officially landed, but…”

A smile spreads across her face.

“The mission was a success. We’ve recovered both Chase Stein and Karolina Dean, and they’re being transported safely back here now.”

Nico feels like throwing up. Director Power continues talking, but she only catches bits of it through the sudden ringing in her ears.

“Not until tomorrow at the earliest…. please… business as usual…. unclear condition…. classified information.”

She nods, dazed, when the Director seems finished. Beside her, Gert looks even more out of it, paler than Nico has ever seen her.

Nico slips her hand into Gert’s and squeezes, the gesture as much to ground herself as it is to provide comfort.

_Karolina is alive, she’s coming back._

==

Nico wakes up late the next day. It had taken her a long time to fall asleep the night before, tossing and turning for hours.

For the first time since arriving in District 13, she had allowed herself access to memories she had deliberately shoved down and locked away.

_Karolina kissing her softly on the roof, under the stars. The feeling of safety that came with being wrapped in her arms. The way Karolina’s body had moved beneath her own, the night before they’d been sent into the arena. The sounds she’d tried to muffle, pressed into Nico’s skin._

It’s late morning by the time she makes her way to the mess hall. There’s more commotion than usual in the halls, and upon turning the last corner she runs headlong into Alex. It’s the first time she’s seen him since he left for the Capitol and he’s certainly worse for the wear; one of his eyes is blackened and there’s a bandage wrapped around his bicep.

“I need you to come with me,” he says, grim faced.

A million questions fight to get out at once, but the most pressing escape first.

“Did you get Karolina? Is she here?”

He nods, and Nico’s body floods with relief.

“But--” he starts, and she feels it shift sharply into panic, “--we’re not sure how much being in the Capitol affected her. Psychologically, I mean.”

 _“What?_ I thought everything went well, that she was okay? What happened to her?”

“Just come with me, the Director will explain everything.”

“Alex!” Nico catches his sleeve as he turns away, and he stops and looks back at her. “Tell me what’s wrong with her, _please.”_

He looks at her with pain in his eyes and takes her hand. “I don’t know,” he says. “I’m so sorry, Nico.”

Nico acquiesces, nodding once. “Take me to her.” She squeezes Alex’s hand tightly, worry pulsing through her as they hurry towards the med bay.

Director Power meets them at the entrance, face creased with worry. She looks like she’s aged ten years since yesterday afternoon.

“Nico,” she says, grabbing Nico’s arm as she tries to brush past her, straining for a glimpse of Karolina, “she’s here and safe, I promise.”

“What’s going on?” Nico asks. The question comes out so high pitched and anxious that she barely recognizes her own voice. “Why won’t you let me see her?”

“We will,” Director Power says, guiding her firmly into a chair. “We just need to brief you first. We’re-- well, we’re not sure what’s going to happen when she sees you.”

Nico stills at that, because what could the Capitol have possibly done?

Because a world where Karolina’s perception of her has changed for the worse is not one that Nico’s entirely certain she wants to live in.

She listens with growing horror at Director Power’s account of the past hour. How Gert is now unconscious in this very wing, angry bruises blooming on her throat in the shape of Chase’s fingers. How Chase has been moved to a more secure room, and that it took him a full five minutes after they’d dragged him off of Gert to calm down. That even mentioning her name sends him back into a frenzy.

“We’re working on a cure,” Director Power says. “We just need you to be aware that the Capitol might have corrupted Karolina the same way they did Chase.”

Nico nods dumbly. She’s not sure she can open her mouth without throwing up.

“It seems to be different, though,” Director Power adds. “Chase reacts negatively to any mention of Gert, and Karolina doesn’t. To you or any of the other victors. Except,” she says. “Here’s the thing. Nico--

“She doesn’t seem to know who you are. At all.”

Nico’s heart just about stops in her chest.

“What?” she croaks. “What do you mean, she doesn’t know?”

Director Power looks almost as distraught as Nico feels. “I mean,” she says, voice shaking, “she doesn’t remember anything about the rebellion, or any of her allies. She definitely knows she was in the Quarter Quell, because she can identify the girl she killed on the first day. But she doesn’t remember any alliance. She doesn’t even know who won the last Hunger Games, or-- or the one you won.”

What’s left of Nico’s heart splinters away with every word spoken.

“Let me see her,” she says.

“Nico, she probably won’t--”

“I don’t care. Let me see her.”

Director Power nods, face heavy. “Okay.”

Nico nods, pushes herself onto shaking legs and follows Director Power into the med bay. She spots Gert through an observation window halfway down the hall, a breathing tube down her throat, and the urge to vomit intensifies.

“She’s in here,” the Director says, stopping by a locked door, and Nico’s so caught up in her own thoughts that she almost runs into her. “Now, hopefully we won’t need it, but we do have people standing by in case anything happens. You won’t be in any danger.”

"Okay,” Nico whispers. Director Power gives her a sympathetic look, unlocking the door and stepping aside to allow Nico through.

And after months of not knowing if she’s even alive, Nico finally, _finally,_ sees Karolina again. She stops dead in her tracks, frozen just inside the doorway as she takes her in.

She wants to cry.

Karolina’s eyes are closed and she’s emaciated, collarbones protruding sharply from beneath her hospital gown. Her long blonde hair has been unevenly buzzed off and her skin is pale and sallow, highlighted by the deep dark circles beneath her eyes. Bruises and cuts stand out against the skin of her arms, disappearing up into her sleeves.

And she’s the best thing Nico has ever seen.

“Karolina,” she breathes, and then she’s moving again, crossing the room in long, purposeful strides that she barely even registers until she’s next to the bed. Karolina’s hand rests limply on top of the sheets and Nico covers it with her own, thumb tracing across knuckles too swollen for how bony her fingers have become.

Tears prick behind her eyes, but she fights them back while she just stands and stares. Karolina looks almost nothing like the bright, vibrant girl Nico left bleeding out four months ago, but she would recognize her anywhere.

After a few minutes, Karolina slowly blinks awake.

Nico quickly snatches her hand away.

“Who are you?”

Karolina’s eyes hold none of the warmth she used to direct at Nico, and her face is devoid of the soft affection that used to play at the corners of her mouth when she looked at her. Nico’s eyes burn with the sheer effort of holding back tears.

“Sorry,” she says, glad now that she missed breakfast given how badly her stomach is churning. “I’m an old friend.”

 _(I love you,_ she doesn’t add, _and you loved me, and I wanted - no, I want - to be with you for the rest of our lives.)_

“Why don’t I know you, then?” Karolina asks.

Nico says, “The doctors here, they-- they think the Capitol did something to your memory, while you were there. Do you remember anything about that?’

Karolina nods slowly. “Yes,” she says. “I was hurting, and they cared about me, they said, and they didn’t want me to be sad. So they just removed the cause of the hurt. They took the pain away.”

Nico crumples Karolina’s bedsheets in her fist, hopes she doesn’t notice.

“This is gonna seem a little irrelevant, but do you remember anything about the 71st Games? I know you’re a little fuzzy on the last few, but do you remember anything about that one? Who won?”

Karolina pauses, frowning. “No,” she says. “I remember my tributes that year, though. Aubrey and Topher. Aubrey was too arrogant, she died on the first day. And Topher-- well, he died at the very end, but I don’t remember who killed him.”

(Nico remembers the metal of a spear in her hand, how she could _feel_  the way the iron tip buried itself between a boy’s ribs, his breath that came in shallow gasps as he died.)

“I suppose whoever did it must have caused me pain, that’s why I don’t remember them. I’m sorry,” Karolina says. She seems genuinely upset that she doesn’t know.

Nico’s throat feels like it’s closing up. “It’s okay,” she manages. “That seems likely. I’m so sorry, I have to go now.”

“I’ll see you again soon, I’m sure,” Karolina says, so emotionless that it’s taking everything Nico has not to cry.

She wants to hug Karolina goodbye - almost does, even - but Karolina is looking at her without any familiarity at all. She barely manages not to break into a run as she makes her exit, only letting tears fall once she’s out the door and Alex is hugging her tightly.

Out of sight of the girl she loves, who doesn’t remember loving her.

==

Nico spends the next several days either barricaded in her room or with Gert in the med bay. She holds Gert’s hand and feeds her ice chips and Jell-O and gazes at the bruises around her throat while she’s asleep, once again wondering which of them has it worse.

Because the love of Gert’s life wants her dead, but the love of Nico’s doesn’t remember her at all.

Gert is back on her feet a week after Chase and Karolina’s return. By that time, District 13’s top doctors and researchers have figured out what’s wrong with the two of them. Nico is a little fuzzy on the finer details, but she understands at a general scale that they’ve been “hijacked”: the Capitol’s term for utilizing the hallucinogenic properties of tracker jacker venom to change the victim’s perception of a person or event.

In Chase’s case, this involved implanting false memories about Gert, causing him to associate her with anger and pain until he was terrified of her and wanted her dead.

In Karolina’s, it meant erasing every memory she had of the rebellion.

Every memory she had of Nico.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so funny story in the finished version of this i originally wrote karolina wasn't hijacked and that last scene was just like The End but after some careful evaluation i decided i needed everyone including myself to suffer more and also apparently another chapter so here we are!!
> 
> drop a comment if you feel so inclined/yell at me on tumblr @nicosmiinoru


	6. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for sticking with me, y'all. i got a little carried away with this one so i split the epilogue out into its own chapter, but we've finally reached the end

In a twisted sort of parallel to when she first arrived in District 13, Nico asks about Karolina’s condition every day as she recovers.

(Except back then, she’d been convinced that if she could just get Karolina back everything would be okay. And now she _is_ back, but she’s not Nico’s anymore, and everything is decidedly not okay.)

Karolina’s physical injuries heal fairly quickly. Not being a danger to anyone in the district, she’s soon discharged from the med bay and relocated to one of the rare and sought-after single rooms on the base. By the time a few weeks have passed, her cuts and bruises have all faded away, leaving thin white scars scattered across her body as a reminder of their presence. And now that she’s getting proper nourishment, she’s not quite so painfully thin and some of the color returns to her face.

The psychological trauma, though, is another story entirely. District 13’s best doctors have no idea how to even _begin_ getting her memories back.

Chase’s damage is fairly straightforward. The Capitol implanted false memories in his head to make Gert seem like a threat, so it’s mostly a matter of figuring out how to separate the true memories from the false ones - a sort of “reverse hijacking.”

With Karolina, though, her memories are just.

Gone.

“What we do know,” the doctor in charge of Chase’s and Karolina’s recovery, Xavin, tells Nico, “is that the time she’s missing starts with you, with the Games you won. The Capitol wasn’t trying to make her forget the rebellion, they were trying to make her forget you. So you’re the best shot she has. Just-- spend as much time with her as you can.”

So Nico does. Every day, when she’s not on Gert’s guard duty - and even on those days, she’ll stop by Karolina’s room when they get back just to check in. Because no matter how difficult it is to be around a Karolina with no memory of her, forcing herself to stay away entirely would be a thousand times worse.

She keeps up the pretense of being old friends, though, careful not to tell Karolina anything specific about their past together.

(The hours spent together on the roof, just the two of them. How even before anything happened between them they seemed to always be touching. The way Karolina’s eyes sparkled right before they kissed.)

Karolina appears grateful for the company, if a little puzzled why Nico seems to care so much. And even if she doesn’t remember, Nico still catches herself thinking that they fall back into their same easy rhythm when they’re together.

But a week goes by, and any recognition in Karolina’s eyes is still just that for a new friend.

On day 11, they’re in the middle of a game of gin rummy when Karolina puts her cards down.

“Nico,” she says.

“Yeah?”

“Nico Minoru?”

Nico’s breath catches. “How do you know that?”

“You-- you won the 71st Games, right? The one you asked me about the first time you visited me, the one where I didn’t remember the winner.”

“Yeah,” Nico says, voice hoarse. “Yeah, I did.”

“I remember it now,” Karolina says. “That’s how we know each other, isn’t it? We met after you became a mentor.”

“Yeah,” Nico says again.

Karolina frowns. “I still don’t remember that part, though.”

“It’s okay,” Nico says. “You don’t need to remember everything right now. That’s a good start.”

Internally, though, she’s screaming. Because if Karolina can remember her at all, then maybe she can remember what they were to each other.

(What she still is to Nico.)

“I hope it all comes back eventually,” Karolina muses. “I feel like I’d be of more use here if I could remember what happened to me, before.”

She picks up her cards again.

==

Another week passes, and Karolina still doesn’t remember anything beyond Nico’s victory four years ago.

Sometimes it gets to be too much, to be with Karolina without Being With Karolina, and Nico finds temporary refuge at Alex’s workstation.

“I was thinking,” he starts one day, glancing up from the script he’s writing, “about why Chase and Karolina were both hijacked, but with such different outcomes.”

Nico tenses at the mention of Karolina, but lets him continue.

“Remember how healthy Chase looked, the first time we saw him on one of the broadcasts? It must have been before they started hijacking him. I think maybe he was holding up so well because he knew Gert must have made it to District 13, and so she was okay.”

“And-- and you think Karolina--”

Nico’s voice catches in her throat.

“Yeah,” Alex finishes. “She was okay because she had you.”

“So they had to make them forget about us,” Nico says.

“But it’s weird that they did it in such different ways. It almost feels like A/B testing. You know, like when you try out two different variants of some particular system to see which works better--”

“I know what A/B testing is,” Nico hisses. She’s suddenly furious. “I’m just not sure why you felt this theory was something you _needed_ to tell me.”

Alex looks uneasily at her.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-- I thought it would help. Maybe knowing why they did it could help you reverse it.”

Nico deflates, the anger leaving as quickly as it had come.

“Yeah,” she says quietly. “You might be right. Thanks, Alex.”

“It’s evil, what they did,” Alex says sharply. “I remember the way she used to look at you. Taking that away? There’s a special level of hell reserved for the people who did that.”

Nico takes his hand, and he squeezes back hard.

==

Nico doesn’t realize Karolina is having nightmares until Karolina has been back for twenty-two days.

She’d spent the day aboveground with Gert. Despite everything else that's going on they’re continuing to film, doing their best to use what the Capitol did to Chase as another strike against them.

Nico thinks it’s working pretty well. The raw, pained anger in Gert’s voice when she talks about what happened to him is inspiring, invoking the kind of righteous anger that makes you want to fight back.

But leaving for the day means that she gets back late, much later than she usually visits Karolina. She decides to stop by anyway though, just to say goodnight.

She knows something is wrong the second she gets to Karolina’s floor.

Bloodcurdling screams echo down the corridor, and for a minute Nico is back in the arena, surrounded by jabberjays with Karolina’s voice. Except this time it’s not an engineered horror, it’s _real,_ and she’s crashing through Karolina’s door before her brain can catch up.

Karolina is covered in sweat, a tangle of thrashing limbs and bedsheets. Nico catches her arm, barely avoiding being smacked in the face, and shakes her hard.

_“Karolina!”_

Karolina jerks awake, staring wildly around.

“Karolina, it’s me.”

She settles a little, recognition flashing across her face.

“Nico? What are you doing here?”

“I was just going to stop by-- are you okay??”

“Yeah,” Karolina says, her voice shaking, and she’s so clearly not okay that Nico wants nothing more to gather her up in her arms and never let go. “I just get nightmares, sometimes.”

“That’s not like any nightmare I’ve ever had, and I won the Hunger Games. How often does this happen?”

“A few times a night.” Karolina wraps her blanket around her shoulders, avoiding Nico’s eyes.

“Does your doctor know?”

Nico’s shaking now, too, the idea of Karolina going through that more than once every _night_ nearly unbearable.

“Yeah, I’ve had them since I got here. They gave me something to help me sleep, when it started. But the pills didn’t stop the nightmares, they just made it harder to wake up, so I stopped taking them.”

“Karolina,” Nico says, her voice breaking. “Karolina, I’m so sorry.”

_(I never should have left you, I should have found a way to protect you, this is all my fault.)_

“It’s not your fault,” Karolina says.

Nico bites back the _yes, it is_ on the tip of her tongue, and settles instead for a comforting hand on Karolina’s shoulder.

“If there’s anything I can do, tell me. Please.”

“Actually,” Karolina says, and her voice is small. “Could you-- Could you stay with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone.”

“Of course,” Nico whispers.

Because it might break her, to hold Karolina and not have her, but she’d tear herself to pieces if it meant she could use them to put Karolina back together. Especially now, when she’s curled into herself with sweat drying on her forehead and sheets still tangled around her legs.

“Let me go get changed, I’ve been in these clothes all day. I’ll be right back, I promise.”

Karolina nods, smiling at her. For a second, Nico swears she can see a hint of the old easy affection in Karolina’s eyes, but it’s gone as quickly as it appeared.

She changes as fast as she can, splashing water on her face and all but running back to Karolina’s room, and when she gets there Karolina hasn’t moved at all. She’s still propped up against the headboard, clutching her blanket around her shoulders, and she grins with barely-concealed relief when Nico reappears, shutting the door quietly behind her.

Karolina moves closer to the wall to make room for Nico in her bed, and Nico climbs cautiously in beside her. She holds herself still as Karolina drapes the blanket over both of them, not wanting to initiate physical contact.

Karolina lies down facing her, hands curled in the space between them and eyes wide.

“Will you-- will you hold me?”

She laughs nervously. “I know it’s weird, I haven’t known you for that long. You don’t have to.”

“Of course I will,” Nico says softy.

“Thanks, Nico,” Karolina whispers back. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

Nico waits until Karolina has rolled over to face the wall before she scoots closer, resting her hand tentatively on Karolina’s hip. Karolina moves backwards until she’s tucked into the curve of Nico’s body and tugs at Nico’s arm to wrap it more snugly around her.

She sighs, her body relaxing back into Nico’s, and it’s only a few minutes before her breathing evens out. Nico buries her face between Karolina’s shoulder blades and presses a kiss to her spine.

Eventually she drifts off, curled around Karolina.

(Karolina succumbs to nightmares once more during the night, almost knocking Nico to the floor. Nico sits up and grabs at her shoulders, and a scream dies in Karolina’s throat as she wakes.

“Sorry,” she whispers, looking so small and scared that Nico can’t help but pull her into her arms.

“Hey, it’s okay.” She runs her hand soothingly along Karolina’s back. “That’s what I’m here for.”

This time when they lie back down Karolina is less hesitant to seek out Nico's touch, pressing back into Nico and pulling her arm tightly across her stomach.)

==

Nico wakes with warm breath tickling her neck. She looks down to find Karolina has turned over during the night, sprawled half on top of Nico with her head pillowed on her chest.

After what Karolina went through last night - and, apparently, every night for the last several weeks - it’s a relief to see her so peaceful. A bit of Nico’s hair is stuck to her cheek, and Nico brushes it carefully away.

(And she wonders if she’s even allowed to do that, and then decides that if the previous night was strictly platonic then this can be too.)

Karolina’s room is on the level closest to the surface, and a series of tunnels and cleverly-placed mirrors have allowed for a working skylight in the center of the underground room so that it brightens around them as the sun comes up. Karolina stirs against Nico, yawning and sitting up.

“Thanks,” she says. “That’s the best night of sleep I’ve gotten in a while.”

“Anytime,” Nico says.

Karolina grins at her. “I just might have to take you up on that.”

Rays of sun now streaming through the skylight turn the ends of Karolina’s short hair golden, and she’s smiling at Nico, and they stare at each other for a beat too long until Nico can’t breathe.

Karolina looks away first, her brow furrowing.

“Have we-- have we done that before? Shared a bed, I mean.”

“Like I said,” Nico says. “Old friends.”

(She won’t, _can’t,_ tell Karolina what they were to each other, not without Karolina remembering it for herself.)

==

It keeps happening, after that.

Nico spends most of the following day with Karolina, and when she goes to leave Karolina asks her to stay the night again, halting and careful with her words.

After that, Nico doesn’t even wait for her to ask.

Sometimes during the day Alex or Gert will give her a knowingly sympathetic look, and Nico is waiting on tenterhooks for any indication that she’s taking advantage of Karolina, sleeping in her bed when Karolina doesn’t remember her. But everything Karolina does indicates that she wants Nico there, from the relief that flashes across her face every night when Nico enters her room to the way she’s taken to curling automatically into Nico’s body.

So Nico just tries to provide whatever comfort she can, and keeps coming back.

Karolina’s nightmares don’t stop. On good nights she’ll only have one, but on bad nights it’ll be three or even four. By the last one she’s usually sobbing into Nico’s shoulder, her whole body shaking as Nico holds her tightly.

It’s at the tail end of one of those nights, two weeks after Nico starts sleeping in Karolina’s room, when Karolina suddenly stiffens in her arms.

She pulls away, her face red and puffy. “You left me.”

“What?”

“During the Quarter Quell, in the arena. You left me, that’s why I ended up in the Capitol and you didn’t.”

Nico sighs.

_(Of all the things for Karolina to remember.)_

“Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

Karolina’s eyes are roaming Nico’s face, searching for an explanation.

“Why?”

“You were injured,” Nico says. “And we needed to get to the extraction point, to get to District 13, but you got hit and couldn’t walk.”

Karolina looks down at her lap, playing absently with her hands. She’s silent for long enough that Nico starts to fidget, wondering if she should leave.

Finally Karolina looks up, and her eyes are wide.

“I told you to go, didn’t I?”

“Yes,” Nico whispers.

Karolina takes her hand. “I’m glad you did. Otherwise we both would have gotten picked up by the Capitol.”

Nico gives her a watery smile, and _god,_ she loves this girl so much, her warmth and compassion and understanding that try as they might the Capitol couldn’t take away, and lets Karolina pull her into a hug.

==

With the exception of _“explicitly furthering our goal of taking down the Capitol and restoring a fair and equal society”_ \- as quoted verbatim from District 13 law - no one is allowed to go above ground. Generally, this makes sense. After all, it’s how they’ve survived for 75 years.

And it’s okay for Nico; she’s able to leave fairly regularly, to film with Gert. But she can tell Karolina is getting restless trapped underground.

She brings it up with Xavin, Karolina’s doctor, the next time she sees them, and does her best to frame the request as a potential way to restore Karolina’s memory.

“Living like this is completely foreign to her. Maybe being in a more familiar environment will bring something back.”

(Besides, she’d do anything to make Karolina happy.)

“Okay,” Xavin says, and Nico’s taken aback by how easily they acquiesce. Maybe she’s not the only one completely charmed by Karolina. “I’ll see what I can do.”

And so Karolina - accompanied by Nico, of course - is cleared for an hour outside. They go at dusk, when the light is low enough that they’re hard to spot from above, but still bright enough to see by.

“Just a short walk,” Director Power says. “Don’t go too far, there’s a map on your comm so you can see where you are, and make sure you’re back before it gets dark. And if anything happens call us right away, and someone will come get you.”

It’s worth going through all the Director’s precautions though, Nico thinks, just to see Karolina’s face when they step outside.

They’re in a field of knee-high grass, dotted with trees and bordered to one side by denser vegetation, and the light is fading, the setting sun starting to splash pink across the horizon. Karolina takes a deep breath, her face tilted skyward.

“God, I’ve missed this.”

She’s beautiful, lit up by the last of the sun’s rays, and Nico wants to kiss her. But she squashes the thought down before it can fully take root, and instead takes off running.

“Race you to that tree,” she calls, and Karolina’s laugh echoes around her as she follows.

Near the end of their allotted hour, Karolina flops down on the grass outside the entrance to the district.

“I don’t want to go in yet.”

Nico smiles, sitting down next to her. “Me neither.”

It’s properly dark now, but despite the Director’s instructions Nico hadn’t had the heart to make them go back early. In the fresh air, Karolina looks the most alive Nico has seen her since she was rescued, eyes bright and cheeks flushed with the night’s chill.

Now, she turns to Nico. “I remember you.”

And Nico, just a moment ago so content, suddenly can’t breathe.

“What?”

“Not everything,” Karolina adds quickly. “But I remember meeting you. On the roof, right? The first year you were a mentor, the day one of your tributes was killed.”

“Yeah,” Nico manages. “That’s right.”

“I remember that whole games. We had wine, the night it ended.”

Nico nods, preoccupied by the way Karolina’s eyes have drifted to her mouth.

It’s like she’s stuck in some sick sort of cycle, where everything is different but it’s almost as though no time has passed at all. And, for a split second, she considers closing the distance.

But then her comms device buzzes - Director Power, no doubt, telling her to get back _right now_ before they send out a rescue party - and the moment is broken.

==

Karolina’s memories seem to be coming back on their own, but the rate at which she remembers new things is excruciatingly slow.

Meanwhile, Chase’s cure is much more hands-on, involving giving him a mild hallucinogen and showing him clips of Gert, to try to make him remember her as she is. And it seems to be working, to an extent: he’s gained a definite self-awareness of the false memories in his head, but still struggles to differentiate them from the real ones.

After two months, Karolina still only remembers fragments, and they’re making good progress with Chase, so it only makes sense that they would eventually try something similar for her.

They ask Karolina beforehand if she’s okay with it, and she agrees more quickly than Nico thought she would.

“I’m tired of not remembering,” she says when Nico asks her about it. “Of having these big stretches of time that are just blank. And the events I do remember feel off, somehow. Like there’s something really important that just got left out.”

The morning they’re due to start treatment, Nico is sitting on the end of Karolina’s bed pulling her shoes on when Karolina puts a hand on her shoulder.

“Will you come?”

Nico cranes her head around to look at her. Her hair is just starting to grow out, and it’s sticking straight up where she slept on it.

“Of course, if you want me there.”

Karolina grins. “Awesome.”

(Nico fills in the next part, what would have happened if the Capitol hadn’t ripped her out of Karolina’s head. How Karolina would have leaned forward to kiss her quickly, and maybe she would linger a second too long before pulling away, her smile ghosting against Nico’s lips. And it hurts to think about, what could have been, but Nico’s always had a self-destructive streak.)

Later, when they arrive at the lab where Chase has spent most of the last two months, Xavin steps back to let Karolina in but stops Nico at the door.

“Just so you know what we’re doing, beforehand - we’re going to dose her with morphling, and then show her clips of you. She already has some memory of you from the Quarter Quell, so that’s where we’re going to start. I just don't want you to be blindsided, going in.”

Nico nods. “Thank you. Just-- none where it’s obvious we’re together, if you can? I don’t-- I don’t want it to be too much for her.”

Xavin gives Nico a searching look. “Okay, for now.”

They open the lab door and gesture Nico inside.

Karolina is seated in a chair in the center of the room with a lab tech swabbing her arm, and she smiles at Nico when she walks in.

“Hey,” she says. “Everything okay?”

“Yep,” Nico says, and hopes Karolina doesn’t notice her voice shaking.

Xavin enters behind her, a syringe in their gloved hands.

“Hey, Karolina,” they say. “I explained this to Nico outside, but we’re going to try a modified version of what we’ve been doing for Chase. Basically, we’ll give you some morphling and show you footage from your missing time. Since your mind will be in an altered state, we’re hoping it’ll trigger something you lost.”

“Okay,” Karolina says. She reaches out with her free hand to grip Nico’s.

Xavin takes Karolina’s arm.

“Count of three.”

Karolina takes a deep breath when the needle enters her arm, and she squeezes Nico’s hand tightly.

Once the drug is injected, Xavin turns towards the technician, waiting by the projector screen at the front of the room. “Cue the first clip.”

“Wait,” Nico says, watching Karolina.

Her eyes have shut tight, body rigid, and her hand falls limply from Nico’s.

“Wait,” Xavin calls.

Karolina’s eyes fly open and she _screams._ In a flash Xavin is kneeling at her side, but she shrinks away from their touch.

“No,” she cries, drawing her legs up to her chest and curling into the chair. “No, _please._ ”

Xavin backs off and Nico turns to them fearfully.

“What’s happening to her?”

Xavin shakes their head. “I don’t know.”

Karolina lets out a dry sob.

“Nico,” she whispers. “Nico, where are you? Why haven’t you come for me yet?”

Nico drops down next to her.

“I’m here,” she says, and reaches for Karolina. “I’m right here, I’ve got you.”

Karolina recoils, drawing even further into herself. Her eyes are wide open but she doesn’t seem to register Nico in front of her, focused instead on something that’s not there.

“No,” she says again. “You can’t. I won’t forget her, not ever.”

Nico’s chest feels like it’s being ripped open. She’s helpless, frozen in place as she watches Karolina shy away from phantom Capitol torturers.

Xavin has left the room, and they return with another syringe.

“Here,” they say. “This should clear the drug from her system.”

Karolina flinches but doesn’t put up a fight when the second syringe is injected. Gradually her breathing evens out and her eyes clear, but she remains curled into the chair as if braced for an attack.

Finally, she looks up.

“Nico?”

“Hey,” Nico says, her voice breaking a little out of sheer relief. “Hey, you're okay.”

Karolina exhales shakily, body finally relaxing.

Xavin is watching her closely. “The Capitol must have given you morphling, when they were erasing your memories, and so getting it just now triggered something. What do you remember?”

“We were about to start, and then you gave me the morphling, and then I’m not sure,” Karolina says. “I just remember-- fear. I was so scared.”

Nico can’t help reaching for Karolina’s hand, and Karolina laces their fingers together.

“I think I saw the Capitol,” she continues slowly, “before they took my memories.”

“Good,” Xavin nods. “Keep going.”

Karolina tightens her grip on Nico’s hand but keeps her eyes on Xavin.

“It was Nico,” she says. “They were trying to make me forget Nico. Because they were hurting me, but it wasn’t working how they wanted it to.”

She finally looks over at Nico.

“And it was your fault, because you were-- you were my safe place. So they tried to make me think that you were responsible for my pain, to take that away. To take _you_ away.”

Nico can barely breathe, hanging on to Karolina’s every word.

“And then they did,” Karolina finishes.

“What about before you were captured?” Xavin asks. “Anything new?”

Karolina shakes her head. “Nothing. But I think-- I think Nico is a part of everything that’s gone. That’s why they took it away.”

Nico closes her eyes, the world suddenly closing in around her.

“I’m sorry, I have to go.”

She pulls her hand out of Karolina’s and pretends she doesn’t hear Karolina calling out for her as she rushes away. Once she’s out of the lab she walks blindly, no destination in mind other than _away,_ and eventually ends up in a deserted hallway where she sinks down against the wall.

And that’s where Alex finds her, an hour later. He sits down beside her, resting his crossed arms on his knees, and leans forward until Nico has to look at him.

“Hey,” he says.

Nico doesn’t trust herself to speak yet, but she tilts her head so he knows she’s listening.

“Xavin told me what happened. I thought I should come find you.”

Nico closes her eyes, leaning her head back until it hits the wall with a dull thud. It’s easier to talk if she doesn’t have to look at him.

“What do I do, Alex?”

“I dunno. You’re in pretty uncharted waters here, Nico. You could talk to her, I guess?”

Nico lets out a humorless laugh.

“I’m just saying. She seems to like having you around, even if she doesn’t remember you.”

“But she does,” Nico says. “She just only remembers the bad things, the parts where she got hurt, the parts where I hurt her. She doesn’t remember how I feel about her.”

“I’m so sorry, Nico,” Alex says, and Nico opens her eyes to find him looking stricken. “That plan was my idea. You never would have had to leave her behind - she never would have even gotten hit - if not for me.”

“It’s not your fault,” Nico says, and her voice is fierce, because through all the instability and trauma this is one thing she’s actually sure about. “It was a good plan, you were trying to save us. We’d probably all be dead if it weren’t for you.”

Alex gives her a weak smile.

“Thanks,” he says. “I’m here for you, whatever happens. You know that, right?”

Nico nods, and leans her head on his shoulder, and closes her eyes again.

==

For the next several days, Nico avoids Karolina. She doesn’t spend time with her during the day, doesn’t hold her at night.

Logistically, at least, it’s not actually that hard - she just goes back to doing what she did before Karolina was rescued. She spends her days wiring cameras, discussing new strategies for the rebellion, and hanging out with Gert or Alex.

Karolina doesn’t seek her out.

(And if Nico spends every night tossing and turning in her old bunk, now so used to Karolina’s presence beside her that she’s forgotten how to sleep alone, well. That’s just how it has to be.)

She’s thought about seeing Karolina again, about what she could possibly say to explain. Wondered what she’s doing, how she’s doing.

But Nico hasn’t figured out what to say yet, so she says nothing and stays away.

Gert turns to her, one day a week after Nico ran out of the lab.

“Hey,” she says, in that falsely-cheery Gert way she has that indicates you’re about to get lectured at. “What’s going on with Karolina?”

Nico freezes. Up to this point, Gert has been mercifully quiet about the whole situation.

“What do you mean?”

Gert gives her a look. “I’ve seen you more in the last week than I have in the two months since she got here.”

“I thought she might need some space,” Nico shrugs.

“Nico, come on,” Gert says, and her voice gets softer, less judgemental. “I know a thing or two about the person you love not knowing who you are, you know.”

Nico deflates a little. “Shit, I’m sorry,” she says.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. Maybe I can help, though.”

Nico sighs, rubs her hands across her face.

“She knows that all the memories the Capitol took away were of me, but she still doesn’t remember them actually happening. So I’m pretty sure she knows enough now to put together how I feel about her, which is enough to make it weird that I’ve been so close to her while she doesn’t know who I am. What if she never wants to see me again?”

Gert puts an arm around Nico’s shoulders.

“Hey,” she says. “Hey, of course she wants to see you. She might not remember how you used to be, but Nico. Anyone with eyes can tell that girl is crazy about you.”

“She hasn’t come to find me, so maybe she’s avoiding me too,” Nico says.

“That’s ridiculous,” Gert says. “You’re the one avoiding her, you just admitted it. She’s probably just trying to give you space, to figure out what she did wrong.”

“But she didn’t _do_ anything wrong.”

Gert smiles. “Maybe you should tell her that.”

==

That night, Nico has talked herself into and out of going to Karolina’s room a hundred times over before finally finds herself at Karolina’s door.

She knocks.

(She hasn’t knocked in a month.)

“Come in,” Karolina calls, and Nico lets herself gingerly inside.

Karolina is sitting up in bed, her knees drawn up to her chest. She gives Nico a half-smile when she appears and pats the bed next to her.

Nico clambers up onto the mattress and sits cross-legged on top of the blanket, facing Karolina.

“We were together, weren’t we,” Karolina says. “Before.”

It’s not a question.

“Yeah,” Nico says anyway.

Karolina leans back, rests her head against the wall.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You can’t tell someone they love you,” Nico says. She swallows hard and continues. “That’s why-- why I ran away. Now that you know-- I wasn’t sure if you still wanted me here.”

“Nico,” Karolina says, and reaches out for Nico’s hand, her voice quiet but steady in its conviction. “Do you know how badly I’ve slept since you left? Of course I want you here.”

“Okay,” Nico whispers.

She pauses, considering her next words carefully, because she’d decided to say them on her way over but she’s not sure she’s ready to be quite so honest. But then she looks up into Karolina’s face, and her expression is so gentle and open that everything spills out.

“I’m yours, any way you’ll have me.”

“Nico.” Karolina’s smile turns sad. “Come here.”

Nico crawls under the blanket and into Karolina’s arms, and Karolina tucks her head under Nico’s chin. She draws a shaky breath and mumbles her next words into Nico’s chest, so that Nico has to strain to hear her.

“I-- I have feelings for you, I think. But I don’t know how much of that is me remembering, and how much is new since I got here. And I don’t think it would be fair to you, to do anything about it right now, because you remember everything about me, about _us,_ and I still don’t. And I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize the way things are right now, because this feels sort of perfect.”

Nico lies perfectly still, can feel her heart cracking where Karolina’s head is resting on it.

“It’s okay,” she breathes. “Nothing has to change.”

“Thanks, Nico,” Karolina whispers. “Maybe someday I can be what you need, the way you are for me. You’re perfect.”

Nico wraps her arm around Karolina’s waist.

“Maybe someday,” she echoes.

==

Nico may be preoccupied with Karolina, and with Karolina’s recovery, but the rebellion marches steadily on. After months of preparation a plan develops, to finally infiltrate the Capitol, and District 13’s leaders start actively putting together a team.

Gert insists on being included. She’s been the rebellion’s heartbeat for the past two years; she wants to be the one to end it.

Chase, though he hasn’t recovered fully, volunteers as well. He’s enough in control of himself that he’s accepted, with the caveat that he remains unarmed.

The rest of the victors naturally round out the team: the Capitol's prized possessions, now runaways. Alex and Victor and Nico and Karolina.

(Nico had resisted, at first.

“You’re still recovering.”

_I can’t lose you again._

But Karolina had insisted, and Director Power had agreed, and so eventually Nico had acquiesced.)

Their last member is Gert’s little sister Molly. She may be only 14, but she’s somehow physically stronger than any of them.

They all have to go through training, before they can be officially accepted and assigned to the mission. They’ll have to fight their way through Capitol streets to the city center, so most of their training revolves around urban combat and evasion. The majority of what they face is simulation: projected images that will register if they do anything wrong, but won’t actually hurt them.

But some of it is real, and there’s a moment one day when Nico takes an unlucky hit.

They’re practicing on rough terrain, climbing up to an elevated walkway while avoiding fake gunfire and real flying rubble. A piece of rock hits Nico, square in the shoulder and much more solid than she’s expecting, just as she nears the top.

She loses her grip and falls, landing hard on her back. For a moment, she sees stars.

_“Nico!”_

She’s suddenly aware of a figure crouching down next to her. Karolina comes into focus before her, brushing Nico’s hair behind her ear and cradling Nico’s face in her hand.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Nico gasps.

Karolina helps her to her feet and presses their foreheads briefly together.

“Come on, let’s finish this.”

She sends Nico back up the wall first, hovering protectively below her the whole way.

When the exercise is over, their training leader evaluates them all on their performance.

“For the most part, good work,” she says. “You all got through that very quickly, with relatively little collateral damage. Except, obviously, Nico. In a real situation that fall could cost you your life.”

Nico nods. “I’ll be more vigilant.”

“And, Karolina,” the trainer says. “I know you were concerned about Nico, but jumping down when she fell was ill-advised. You sacrificed the high ground to help her when she could have very well already been dead. In the future, you need to be more discerning about when to try to save a teammate.”

Karolina frowns. “I know. I’m not sure why I reacted like that.”

(Behind Karolina’s back, Gert gives Nico a _look.)_

“It won’t happen again,” Karolina says.

On their way out of the training facility, though, Karolina catches Nico by the arm.

“Hey,” she says. “About what happened back there… I barely even remember jumping down. It was like my body acted on some sort of instinct I didn’t know I had.”

Nico is silent, preoccupied by the way Karolina’s thumb is stroking back and forth across her wrist. She’s not sure Karolina even notices she’s doing it.

Karolina smiles down at her. “It’s starting to come back, I think.”

And Nico is trying _so hard_ to not get her hopes up, because at this point she’s almost managed to convince herself that just being Karolina’s friend is enough, but she’s not quite strong enough to stop the _what if_ that crosses her mind at Karolina’s words.

==

Finally, after weeks of training, they’re declared mission-ready: in a week’s time, they’ll all leave for the Capitol.

But first, they’re gonna throw a really fucking big party.

“Molly,” Gert says, the day their departure date is set. “Why didn’t you remind me? Your birthday is this week!”

Molly shrugs. “There’s so much else going on right now, with training and everything. I didn’t want to distract us.”

“Fifteen, though. It’s your quinceañeara! We have to do something.”

Molly hesitates, clearly wanting to say yes.

“No, that’s a good idea, actually,” Alex says. “I think we could all do with a change of pace.”

Nico grins. “If we’re gonna go out, let’s go out with a bang.”

==

So, for the next three days, nearly all Capitol preparations are forgotten. Organized by Gert, the seven of them (as well as quite a few other people that get roped in) are in full quinceañeara planning mode.

Gert gets the Director’s approval to use the main assembly hall - the largest space in the district - as the venue, and so the rest of them are tasked with decoration. And when it’s done, Nico can admit they did a fairly impressive job with the time they had.

Alex manages to unearth a giant box of string lights from somewhere. They convince District 13’s cooks to make something other than the usual standard rations - helped, probably, by the fact that they’re all about to go on what could very well be a suicide mission - so there’s an actual real cake. Nico and Victor wire up a speaker system, and Molly insists on slogging her way through a hard drive full of old audio files to find the perfect music for the event.

Best of all, there are a few defected Capitol stylists living in the district, and they work overtime to make the team outfits. For the first time in months, they’ll all get to wear something other than the rebellion’s standard grey jumpsuit.

The night of, a good portion of the district turns up.

The assembly hall looks incredible, the string lights filling the cavernous room with a soft yellow-and-pink glow instead of its usual harsh fluorescent light, and everything is hung with multi-colored streamers.

Molly looks delighted as she sheds her flats for heels and receives her tiara, and Gert gives an emotional speech about volunteering in place of her sister, and how she wouldn’t change a thing because it meant they both got to be here, now, and she got to watch Molly grow up.

Even Nico has to wipe a surreptitious tear away before she’s finished.

Molly’s first dance is with Chase, a choice that feels particularly significant because of how unstable he’s been for the past three months. His selection as Molly’s _chambelan_ seems to signify that maybe, just maybe, Gert is ready to start trusting him again.

After the first waltz, the dance floor starts filling up, and Nico, Gert, and the others join Molly and Chase at the center of the throng.

Karolina’s dress is a dark fabric with a glittering gold sun pattern, and Nico can’t stop staring at her.

(Her own dress is navy, with moons and stars scattered across it, and she can’t decide whether she wants to thank or kill the stylist that gave them complementary motifs.)

Chase leads Gert in an exaggerated waltz that has them laughing and falling over each other; Alex tries to teach them all to floss, but seems to barely know how himself, and they all entertain themselves imitating him; Molly twirls so her pink dress flies out around her.

The seven of them dance in a wild cluster, limbs flailing as they let themselves be young one last time.

Nico is mid-spin when, out of the corner of her eye, she sees Karolina go suddenly still.

“Hey,” she calls over the music, “you okay?”

Karolina nods, and her hand catches Nico’s wrist.

“Can you come with me, for a minute?”

She doesn’t explain further, but leads Nico off to the side of the hall, and Nico sits down next to her. Karolina seems jittery, looking down at her hands, then back over at their friends, then up at the twinkling lights above them. And then she settles, and her eyes meet Nico’s, and Nico knows what Karolina is going to say before she even opens her mouth.

Because the look on her face-- she’s looking at Nico the way she used to, a mix of affection and wonder that always made Nico feel like the two of them were at the center of the universe.

“I remember,” Karolina says, and Nico might have known it was coming but it feels so fucking incredible to actually hear it. “Nico, I remember everything.”

And Nico is choked up, suddenly, because Karolina’s eyes are full of an all-encompassing love Nico wasn’t sure she’d ever see again.

Nico falls into Karolina because she doesn’t know how to do anything else, because it’s the only thing that makes sense. She wraps her arms around her, hooking her chin over Karolina’s shoulder and pressing her face into the side of her neck, and Karolina holds her tightly.

“I’m so sorry, Karolina,” Nico says, and she’s crying a little, can feel her own tears damp against Karolina’s skin. “I never should have left you, back in the arena.”

Karolina runs her hand soothingly down Nico’s back. “Hey, no, it’s okay. You did the right thing. I’m here now, I’ve got you.”

Nico wants to say something else, to find some way to express the depth of emotion now welling up inside her, everything she’s suppressed since she left Karolina for dead _months_ ago howling to emerge.

But at that moment the song changes, to something gentle and slow, and Karolina pulls away.

“Dance with me?” she murmurs into Nico’s ear.

Nico nods, and lets Karolina tug her to her feet and lead them to the middle of the dance floor. She slides her hands around to the small of Karolina’s back and rests her head on her shoulder. Karolina loops her arms around Nico’s neck and presses a kiss to her temple, and Nico melts impossibly further into her.

“I missed you,” Karolina says softly.

“I missed you too. _Fuck,_ Karrie, I missed you so much.”

Karolina cups Nico’s face, wiping away a tear that slides down her cheek, and Nico leans automatically into her touch, reveling in the sheer intimacy of the action. Karolina uses the movement to tug her closer, their noses brushing as she curls her hand around Nico’s jaw.

Nico can feel Karolina’s breath on her lips, one hand cupping Nico’s face and the other fisted in the back of her dress. She runs her hands up Karolina’s back, one sliding around to the back of her neck as she savors their closeness. Drinks in this girl that _remembers_ her, this girl she loves so much she thinks she might collapse under the weight of it.

She tilts her head to close the remaining distance between them, eyes slipping shut, and Karolina meets her halfway.

==

Much later, they make their way back to Karolina’s room, hands entwined.

They’d stayed on the dance floor until nearly everyone was gone. At first they’d kept to their own little world, holding each other and swaying in time to the music, but eventually the song had changed to something more upbeat and they’d rejoined their friends.

Gert had given Nico a knowing smile when they reappeared, raising an eyebrow at Karolina’s arm around her shoulders, and Nico had just grinned contentedly and leaned further into her.

Now, as Nico shuts the door behind them, there’s a distinct awkwardness in the air.

Because they’ve been sharing a bed for the last two months, but suddenly everything is different.

Nico changes quickly, her back to Karolina. She’d moved all her clothes in here weeks ago, but she’s still always thought of it as _Karolina’s_ room. Even once she turns back around she’s frozen in place, fiddling with her hands and her eyes flitting everywhere but Karolina.

“Nico,” Karolina whispers, and when Nico finally manages to look at her her face is soft and open and loving. “Come to bed.”

And Nico has never been able to deny Karolina anything, so she shoves aside the lingering awkwardness she feels and climbs in beside her.

Karolina’s hair is starting to grow out, shaggy blonde curls almost long enough to tuck behind her ears. A strand falls across her forehead and Nico brushes it away; her hand stays on Karolina’s face, thumb brushing along her cheekbone.

“I’m scared,” Nico admits, and Karolina’s face scrunches in concern. She slides an arm around Nico’s waist. “Of what’s going to happen, when we get to the Capitol. I don’t think I can handle losing you again.”

Karolina shuffles forward until their bodies are pressed flush together.

“Hey,” she whispers. “I love you, okay? And I’ll always come back to you. Everything’s gonna be alright, I promise.”

“I love you, too,” Nico says.

Karolina smiles, giddy on new-old feelings, and leans forward to kiss her. Nico opens her mouth under the steady pressure of Karolina’s, hands buried in Karolina’s hair, and eventually Karolina rolls on top of her. One of her hands slides under the hem of Nico’s shirt.

And they’re kissing and kissing and kissing, and Karolina tastes like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember when my original draft for this was literally 13k yeah me neither
> 
> for real though i think i'm reasonably happy with the way this turned out!! lmk what y'all thought and/or come yell at me for unnecessarily dragging this out over on tumblr @lyrikaokano (#newurl heyoooo)
> 
> also, there's gonna be a short epilogue that's currently like 95% written so that'll be up in the next couple of days


	7. epilogue

_never_

 

Three years later, Nico arrives at the base of a dock. Karolina is perched on the end with her back to Nico, and she’s leaning back on her hands, face tilted towards the sun and feet dangling into the water. Nico pauses for a minute just to watch, and then continues down towards her.

It’s all over - the rebellion’s triumph spearheaded by their successful infiltration of the Capitol, the trials of prominent Capitol citizens, Director Power’s resignation in the interest of creating an actual real democracy.

Everything.

After the years-long build up that started when Gert volunteered for Molly, once they'd arrived at the Capitol everything happened remarkably fast. Within a few days, the city center was a mass of wreckage, the former tribute building nothing but a pile of smoking rubble, and President Jonah had officially surrendered. A week after that, the Peacekeepers had all been removed from the districts, and rebel forces were working with the leadership in each to come up with a more just form of law enforcement.

What came next was messy. As some of those most directly affected by the Capitol’s authoritarian regime, Nico and the other victors were asked to stay in the Capitol and add their voices to the chorus of rebel leaders over the next months in what became a long, drawn-out deliberation process. Trying to unravel the years of societal trauma inflicted by the Hunger Games and move forward was both heart-wrenching and exhausting; there were several days where Nico only made it through on the feeling of Karolina’s hand in hers, the knowledge that they’d be able to fall into bed together if they could just sit through one more meeting.

(The worst day was when one of the rebellion’s most vengeful leaders, who had lost their entire family to the Capitol, had suggested staging one last Hunger Games for the children of Capitol leaders. The idea had gotten enough support from others in the meeting that eventually it was given to the victors to decide. And though they shot it down instantly, Nico had left the room that day wondering whether they were just trading one tyrannical government for another.)

Eventually, though, everything had been sorted out as well as it could be. Director Power had stepped down so Panem could actually elect their governing body for the first time in over a century. Most of the old Capitol leadership (along with a few district leaders) were imprisoned. And enough of the Capitol had been destroyed when the rebellion stormed in that an entirely new site was chosen, one more accessible to the districts where they could have a truly fresh start.

When it was finally over, the victors scattered. Alex had decided to stay in the Capitol, to advise the new leadership and to help build the foundation for a new system of government. Victor had stayed, too, but only at Alex’s request, and after a year had opted instead to travel between the districts, facilitating greater communication with the new government. Gert, Chase, and Molly went back to the ruins of District 12, to rebuild their home and to allow themselves time to heal.

As for Nico, she had boarded an airship leaving the Capitol for the last time with her hand clasped tightly in Karolina’s. As they took off Karolina had leaned against the window for one last glimpse at what remained of the place they'd met, but Nico had focused on Karolina’s fingers between her own and didn’t look back.

They’re in District 4 now, because Karolina had wanted to be near the ocean and Nico had just wanted to be near Karolina.

(Even here, the healing process is slow. Karolina still gets nightmares sometimes - the horrible, terrifying ones she got in District 13 - but Nico is there every single time, to hold her tightly and stroke her hair until she stops shaking, and they’re far less frequent than they once were. And when they’re in bed together Nico kisses the faded scar on Karolina’s thigh from where the spear hit, and the myriad of others the Capitol left scattered across her body, until Karolina no longer flinches when she looks at them.)

The wooden boards creak under Nico as she sits down next to her, the waves lapping at the soles of her feet.

“Hey, you,” she says, and Karolina turns towards her, eyes crinkling with affection and a smile playing at the edge of her lips. Her hair has grown back in the last three years, and loose strands have escaped her braid and whip around her face in the ocean breeze. She’s glowing, the late afternoon sun creating a sort of halo around her.

(Her eyes have never quite lost the haunted look they acquired during her four months imprisoned in the Capitol, but they grow a little clearer with every day that passes.)

“Hey yourself,” Karolina says, bumping Nico’s knee with her own. Nico grins, wrapping an arm around Karolina’s waist, and Karolina leans into her. She tilts around to press a kiss to the corner of Nico’s mouth and Nico turns to properly connect their lips. She lets her hand rest on Karolina’s leg as they kiss languidly, and it’s so _easy,_ still, to get lost in Karolina, her soft mouth and her hair blowing into Nico’s face and her fingers curled against Nico’s chest.

(She remembers the morning after Molly’s quinceañeara, when she’d woken up tangled with Karolina - their first real morning-after, ever - and Karolina had smiled sleepily at her, hair falling into her eyes as she leaned down to murmur a good morning into Nico’s mouth. And Nico had already known then that she wanted to be with Karolina forever, but that morning had only cemented it; that Karolina was _it,_ for her.)

“Wait,” Nico says breathlessly when they part for air.

Karolina pauses with her lips barely brushing Nico’s, and Nico wants nothing more than to fall back into her, but she came down here for an actual reason so she waits, lets Karolina pull back a little. Nico’s hand is still on her leg, though, fingers playing absently with the frayed edge of her cutoffs, so she’s not entirely sure Karolina is paying all that much attention to what she has to say.

“Gert just called,” she tells her. “She and Chase and Molly get in at six.”

Karolina grins.

“Molly told me the same thing an hour ago.”

“Guess we’d better go get ready then,” Nico laughs.

Karolina kisses her again, smiling against her lips, and Nico melts into her. Her hand slides up over Karolina's hip to rest on her waist, and she tugs Karolina more fully towards her. Karolina wraps an arm around Nico’s shoulders and tucks a knee underneath herself, rising and swinging around until she’s straddling Nico’s lap, and she deepens the kiss until Nico forgets that they were meant to be doing anything at all.

(A small, still-coherent corner of her mind hopes that there’s no one around to watch as Karolina kisses along her jaw, but part of her almost hopes someone is because it doesn’t _matter_ anymore, because any need they had to hide died along with the old regime.)

Karolina pulls back and Nico looks up at her, dazed. She has a mischievous glint in her eye, and Nico’s brain is still so full of the feeling of Karolina’s mouth on hers that she realizes a split second too late what she’s going to do. And then Karolina wraps her arms around Nico’s shoulders and falls backwards, dragging both of them off the dock and into the water below.

Nico splutters as she comes up for air, Karolina’s laugh ringing in her ears. The water is shallow enough that Karolina can just barely stand, Nico treading water beside her. She hooks an arm behind Karolina’s neck to stay afloat instead, and Karolina puts her hands on her hips to pull their bodies together under the water.

“Sorry,” she grins against Nico’s mouth. “I couldn’t resist.”

Nico pouts at her. “I really liked this shirt.” She hooks her leg around Karolina’s, and with a sharp tug Karolina loses her footing and they’re both plunged back underwater.

Karolina gasps in mock outrage when their heads break the surface, and she dives at Nico. They spend the next several minutes grappling for the upper hand, though it ends in what could fairly be called a tie: Nico’s legs wrapped around Karolina’s waist and Karolina’s hands buried in her hair as they kiss fiercely.

Nico pulls away reluctantly. “Now we’re really going to be late.”

Karolina shrugs. “Seems worth it.” Her hair is plastered to her face, mouth smeared with the remains of Nico’s dark lipstick, and sunlight is glinting off the water droplets clinging to her eyelashes. Nico unwraps her legs from around Karolina, then sneaks back in for one (two, three) more kisses before letting go entirely and grabbing for the edge of the dock. She hoists herself up and rises to her feet, shaking water out of her face and scattering it across the dock. Karolina climbs out beside her, taking Nico’s offered hand to pull herself up and slipping a little on the wet surface.

Nico steadies Karolina with hands on her elbows and Karolina smiles affectionately down at her. She presses her lips gently to Nico’s forehead and takes her hand.

And the two of them walk home side by side, silhouetted against the setting sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and this is it (for real this time)!!! thanks y'all for sticking with me through my last minute rewrites - the response this fic has gotten has been awesome, I literally never write anything and this started as a series of bullet-point tumblr drafts way back in june so it's honestly incredible that it turned into this (also, @everyone in the comments worried i was gonna kill molly, what kind of monster do you think I am)
> 
> as always, drop a comment here or hmu on tumblr @lyrikaokano
> 
> also, if anyone's interested I made a spotify playlist for this fic [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/124089811/playlist/4k3pmfeMPgW3OzddPioZwR?si=rTsH5pRfQWaAF9QKqGtjxA) that I listened to on semi-repeat while writing the last couple of chapters


End file.
